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<!--Generated by Squarespace Site Server v5.8.3 (http://www.squarespace.com/) on Wed, 25 Nov 2009 23:20:05 GMT--><feed xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2005/Atom" xmlns:dc="http://purl.org/dc/elements/1.1/"><title>A Child's Brain Tumor in Take It for What It's Worth</title><subtitle>A Child's Brain Tumor</subtitle><id>http://patkashtock.squarespace.com/a-childs-brain-tumor/</id><link rel="alternate" type="application/xhtml+xml" href="http://patkashtock.squarespace.com/a-childs-brain-tumor/"/><link rel="self" type="application/atom+xml" href="http://patkashtock.squarespace.com/a-childs-brain-tumor/atom.xml"/><updated>2009-10-24T19:35:30Z</updated><generator uri="http://www.squarespace.com/" version="Squarespace Site Server v5.8.3 (http://www.squarespace.com/)">Squarespace</generator><entry><title>The Two Trees: Dogwood and Christmas</title><category term="&quot;Heidi Elizabeth Kashtock&quot;"/><category term="A Child's Brain Tumor"/><category term="Christmas tree"/><category term="Twelfth Night"/><category term="a child's death"/><category term="death of a child"/><category term="dogwood tree"/><category term="why God?"/><id>http://patkashtock.squarespace.com/a-childs-brain-tumor/2009/10/24/the-two-trees-dogwood-and-christmas.html</id><link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://patkashtock.squarespace.com/a-childs-brain-tumor/2009/10/24/the-two-trees-dogwood-and-christmas.html"/><author><name>[Pat Kashtock]</name></author><published>2009-10-24T16:55:18Z</published><updated>2009-10-24T16:55:18Z</updated><content type="html" xml:lang="en-US"><![CDATA[<p><strong>The limbs of the dogwood tree meander gracefully outside our kitchen window. In the spring, flowers festoon its branches in clusters like puffs of pink snow. Heidi loved that tree.</strong></p>
<p><span class="full-image-float-left ssNonEditable"><span><img style="width: 350px;" src="http://patkashtock.squarespace.com/storage/dogwood branch IMG_3126 copy.jpg?__SQUARESPACE_CACHEVERSION=1256409373722" alt="" /></span></span><strong>And she loved the birds</strong> that sang from those branches. Her Nana gave her a birdfeeder one birthday. I hung it under the porch roof, right outside the kitchen&rsquo;s window. Season after season, Heidi watched the birds in the dogwood tree as they waited their turn at the feeder.</p>
<p><strong>One Sunday morning</strong> in January, as she sat confined to the wheelchair necessitated by a stroke, she said, &ldquo;Mom &ndash; look! Look at the pretty bird!&rdquo;</p>
<p><strong>I glanced at the pile of equipment</strong> that overflowed the foyer, waiting to be loaded for the morning service. But a still, small voice said, &ldquo;Sit. Have breakfast with your daughter.&rdquo;</p>
<p>So I put the chore off and sat with her a few moments.</p>
<p><strong>Church was glorious that morning. </strong>I could sense God&rsquo;s presence permeating the worship in a sweet way that often eludes the one serving as the worship leader due to the nature of the work. But that morning, His nearness almost overwhelmed me, yet somehow I managed to keep leading and not turn into a voiceless puddle. The afterglow stayed with me the whole day.<span class="full-image-float-right ssNonEditable"><span><img src="http://patkashtock.squarespace.com/storage/resized_IMG_0008.jpg?__SQUARESPACE_CACHEVERSION=1256409580702" alt="" width="275" height="206" /></span></span></p>
<p><strong>After lunch, I asked Heidi</strong> if she wanted to take a nap or help me takedown the Christmas tree. Twelfth Night had passed, and now for our family Christmas was over. Normally Heidi would jump at the chance to help with the tree. Long-term radiation damage had become increasingly compromised her ability to do much with the ornaments. Still, she found a way to cradle one between her paralyzed left hand and her body, and use the functioning right hand to deal with the hook. Her chatter made for good company, and we both looked forward to these times together.</p>
<p><strong>So I asked her, fully expecting </strong>her to opt for the tree. But she looked at me a long moment. Time seemed to suspend. Then she said, &ldquo;Mom? I&rsquo;m tired, now. I would like to go to sleep.&rdquo;</p>
<p>Those were the last words I ever heard her speak&hellip;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>]]></content></entry><entry><title>The Happy Cardinal</title><category term="A Child's Brain Tumor"/><category term="Heidi Elizabeth Kashtock"/><category term="cardinal"/><category term="mourning the loss of a child"/><category term="sketch for grave stone"/><id>http://patkashtock.squarespace.com/a-childs-brain-tumor/2009/9/30/the-happy-cardinal.html</id><link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://patkashtock.squarespace.com/a-childs-brain-tumor/2009/9/30/the-happy-cardinal.html"/><author><name>[Pat Kashtock]</name></author><published>2009-09-30T21:11:20Z</published><updated>2009-09-30T21:11:20Z</updated><content type="html" xml:lang="en-US"><![CDATA[<p><strong>I put off dealing with stonecutters.</strong> I just could not&nbsp;find what I wanted. I knew <em>what </em>I wanted: a</p>
<p><span class="full-image-float-left ssNonEditable"><span><img style="width: 400px;" src="http://patkashtock.squarespace.com/storage/cardinal%20for%20stone%20sketch%20tint%20smaller.jpg?__SQUARESPACE_CACHEVERSION=1254345726166" alt="" /></span></span>&nbsp;cardinal, some dogwood blossoms and a cross, but I could not find a pattern that included those and I liked.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>Especially for the cardinal. All the cardinals any of the stonecutters had to offer were either grim or prim.</strong> Not Heidi type cardinals at all. Even in the worst of times, she was never grim. And the only time you would get prim from her is if you crossed her sense of morality in just the wrong way. Then she would drag her head up and away from you with a, &ldquo;Hmmmff&hellip;&rdquo; and sashay off.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>And stiff. All those cardinals were so stiff. I wanted a happy cardinal</strong>. One filled with joy because he had finally landed home.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>So, in fits and starts, I drew one.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p>If you look closely, you will see he is smiling.</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>The stonecutter was excited when I handed him my home-drawn bird.</strong> He loved its joy and the movement, and said, &ldquo;I can tell you what. I will <em>certainly</em> be using this again!&rdquo;</p>
<p>&nbsp;</p>
<p><strong>I felt a little disheartened</strong> as I had drawn it for Heidi and liked the idea it would be unique, but also took joy in knowing my attempt would bring comfort to other families.</p>]]></content></entry><entry><title>Dusty Pictures: Heidi Elizabeth Kashtock</title><category term="&quot;Heidi Elizabeth Kashtock&quot;"/><category term="A Child's Brain Tumor"/><category term="children's hospital"/><category term="clearwater beach"/><category term="feeding seagulls"/><category term="granny hirst's dress"/><category term="life death and alligators"/><category term="nancy reagan"/><id>http://patkashtock.squarespace.com/a-childs-brain-tumor/2009/9/20/dusty-pictures-heidi-elizabeth-kashtock.html</id><link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://patkashtock.squarespace.com/a-childs-brain-tumor/2009/9/20/dusty-pictures-heidi-elizabeth-kashtock.html"/><author><name>[Pat Kashtock]</name></author><published>2009-09-20T23:57:02Z</published><updated>2009-09-20T23:57:02Z</updated><summary type="html" xml:lang="en-US"><![CDATA[<p><strong><span style="color: black;">Oh, where did the time go</span></strong></p>
<p><strong><span style="color: black;">the child go </span></strong></p>
<p><strong><span style="color: black;">when did she leave?</span></strong></p>
<p><strong><span style="color: black;">I want to know</span></strong></p>
<p><strong><span style="color: black;">what happened </span></strong></p>
<p><strong><span style="color: black;">how did it happen</span></strong></p>]]></summary></entry><entry><title>Gone Fishing</title><category term="A Child's Brain Tumor"/><category term="Afghanistan war"/><category term="Akhtarbabi"/><category term="Taliban bomb little girl"/><category term="father's day"/><category term="father's heart"/><category term="gone fishing"/><category term="my old man"/><id>http://patkashtock.squarespace.com/a-childs-brain-tumor/2009/6/22/gone-fishing.html</id><link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://patkashtock.squarespace.com/a-childs-brain-tumor/2009/6/22/gone-fishing.html"/><author><name>[Pat Kashtock]</name></author><published>2009-06-22T21:21:04Z</published><updated>2009-06-22T21:21:04Z</updated><summary type="html" xml:lang="en-US"><![CDATA[Today I read in the Post about a nine-year-old Afghani girl who was hit by a Taliban bomb. Only perhaps the story is more about her father. In a part of the world that seems to value boys above girls, he cradled the shattered body of his daughter and ran to the American base for help. While the medics searched for signs of life...]]></summary></entry><entry><title>Diary of a Cancer Ward 5/29/85: The Existential Rollercoaster</title><category term="A Child's Brain Tumor"/><category term="Cancer ward"/><category term="child's cancer and despair"/><category term="fear and over eating"/><category term="hold onto hope"/><category term="signs of vincristine toxicity"/><category term="stress on marraige"/><category term="tiredness and care of sick child"/><id>http://patkashtock.squarespace.com/a-childs-brain-tumor/2009/4/22/diary-of-a-cancer-ward-52985-the-existential-rollercoaster.html</id><link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://patkashtock.squarespace.com/a-childs-brain-tumor/2009/4/22/diary-of-a-cancer-ward-52985-the-existential-rollercoaster.html"/><author><name>[Pat Kashtock]</name></author><published>2009-04-22T22:31:33Z</published><updated>2009-04-22T22:31:33Z</updated><summary type="html" xml:lang="en-US"><![CDATA[I can’t understand this roller coaster of hope and despair we live on, clamped tight inside the flimsy cars against our wills. One moment we are climbing. The way up is slow and labored, but the cars creak their way towards the top where the sunlight shimmers and dances. The next moment we catapult straight down into the darkness leaving our souls back at the top where the sunshine lives.]]></summary></entry><entry><title>Return of The Cosmic Commander</title><category term="Cosmic Commander"/><category term="child in charge of household"/><category term="child's self confidence"/><category term="childrena nd the importance of being on time"/><category term="draw backs of wind up alarm clocks"/><category term="incompetent parents"/><category term="late for school"/><category term="when children are afraid their parents won't meet their needs"/><id>http://patkashtock.squarespace.com/a-childs-brain-tumor/2009/3/12/return-of-the-cosmic-commander.html</id><link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://patkashtock.squarespace.com/a-childs-brain-tumor/2009/3/12/return-of-the-cosmic-commander.html"/><author><name>[Pat Kashtock]</name></author><published>2009-03-12T00:03:21Z</published><updated>2009-03-12T00:03:21Z</updated><summary type="html" xml:lang="en-US"><![CDATA[Of the thousands of people I have met over the course of a life time, Heidi may have been the most intent, stubborn, and determined one of all. Just didn’t trust us, those awful forgetful parents of hers! Mind you, she would NEVER forget something so all-important as setting a clock for the morning.

But we did....]]></summary></entry><entry><title>How Do You Tell Your Child She Is Going to Die?</title><category term="A Child's Brain Tumor"/><category term="How Do You Tell Your Child She Is Going to Die"/><category term="childhood brain tumors"/><category term="telling a child she has cancer"/><id>http://patkashtock.squarespace.com/a-childs-brain-tumor/2009/2/13/how-do-you-tell-your-child-she-is-going-to-die.html</id><link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://patkashtock.squarespace.com/a-childs-brain-tumor/2009/2/13/how-do-you-tell-your-child-she-is-going-to-die.html"/><author><name>[Pat Kashtock]</name></author><published>2009-02-13T19:25:20Z</published><updated>2009-02-13T19:25:20Z</updated><summary type="html" xml:lang="en-US"><![CDATA[In slow motion, I approach the gurney and gently take her hand. Kneeling in front of her on the cold hospital floor, I start to speak. In my ears, my voice sounds far away as if it came from the end of a long tunnel. Hollow. So hollow. The words echo around the room and come back to crush me.

 

Heidi looks at me, puzzled. Why is Mommy doing that? her eyes say. And she wrinkles up her nose.

 

“Honey...” I hesitate as the words refuse to come out. Barely can I whisper, the words choke so hard. “I...I’m afraid... they’ve... they... have... they’ve found]]></summary></entry><entry><title>Christmas 2004 – And then there were four</title><category term="A Child's Brain Tumor"/><category term="christmas after a child dies"/><category term="death of a child"/><category term="flying above the winds of adversity"/><category term="sing a song of hope"/><id>http://patkashtock.squarespace.com/a-childs-brain-tumor/2009/2/10/christmas-2004-and-then-there-were-four.html</id><link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://patkashtock.squarespace.com/a-childs-brain-tumor/2009/2/10/christmas-2004-and-then-there-were-four.html"/><author><name>[Pat Kashtock]</name></author><published>2009-02-10T02:10:43Z</published><updated>2009-02-10T02:10:43Z</updated><summary type="html" xml:lang="en-US"><![CDATA[Facing this first Christmas without Heidi has been difficult. While out shopping for gifts some little thing will catch my eye and I’ll move towards it thinking, “Oh, Heidi would love that!”

Then I remember... and pray for the grace not to cry.

As I sit out here, in the woods behind our house, I am amazed at how bright and clear this day has dawned. In our part of Virginia grey clouds often obscure December skies. But today the sky holds the intense blue of the long gone summer days of my childhood, only this is not summer and the crisp cold wind both cuts through my coat and exhilarates. I would have thought its fierceness would send the songbirds into hiding, but I watch them wing straight through the gusts, singing for all they are worth.

I wish it were as easy for us humans to wing so above the winds.

Still, like the songbirds, I find I sing. Although the sorrow of loss may come crushing in and turn the notes to more of a minor key, I sing.]]></summary></entry><entry><title>Dancing Feet (from the Upper Room)</title><category term="A Child's Brain Tumor"/><category term="childhood cancer"/><category term="dealing with God"/><category term="death of a child"/><id>http://patkashtock.squarespace.com/a-childs-brain-tumor/2009/1/8/dancing-feet-from-the-upper-room.html</id><link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://patkashtock.squarespace.com/a-childs-brain-tumor/2009/1/8/dancing-feet-from-the-upper-room.html"/><author><name>[Pat Kashtock]</name></author><published>2009-01-08T21:40:57Z</published><updated>2009-01-08T21:40:57Z</updated><summary type="html" xml:lang="en-US"><![CDATA[...For nearly 19 years, Heidi lived with the cancer. Although she could not dance, she always smiled and said, "I know that when I get to heaven, I will be able to dance."...]]></summary></entry><entry><title>Christmas 2003 –You never know when the last one will be</title><category term="A Child's Brain Tumor"/><id>http://patkashtock.squarespace.com/a-childs-brain-tumor/2008/12/22/christmas-2003-you-never-know-when-the-last-one-will-be.html</id><link rel="alternate" type="text/html" href="http://patkashtock.squarespace.com/a-childs-brain-tumor/2008/12/22/christmas-2003-you-never-know-when-the-last-one-will-be.html"/><author><name>[Pat Kashtock]</name></author><published>2008-12-22T00:53:33Z</published><updated>2008-12-22T00:53:33Z</updated><summary type="html" xml:lang="en-US"><![CDATA[But the Lord made me a promise that it all would be, “like a dream, like a vision that passes in the night,” and “they will be like the morning mist, like the early dew that disappears.”  And indeed, it has been like a dream in which one has no control, and in which things go from bad to worse with no one to intervene.

Then suddenly, you wake up. 

And sitting up, you realize how horrible it was. For a moment, you can still feel the pain and the terror, but then the early morning birdcalls come through the window and the first glimmerings of the sun poke through the shades in a way you can almost feel their warmth on your face. 

And the fear vanishes like the mist.]]></summary></entry></feed>