I'm sick. Ill at heart. Another June, and another legal case where justice has not been served. Yet another case where we did all we could, heart and soul, and nothing worked.
I feel so hurt. All I want to do is cry. I kept wrestling with myself and my feelings from the past (that You didn't value me enough to let my mother live) last night. I guess You'll have to get me through this again. I partly know You will, but I feel shaky and lost. I don't want to close my feelings off in the way I did as a child, yet I don't want to get into free fall anger like I did over (my friend's) case last June. I feel caught between the two. The first is how I try to overcome the second.
Why are we called to try and bring justice and truth to bear if it doesn't work?
And I hear:
-- Fallen world. –
And I sense You say that this is a taste of how You feel.
Yet? How does that jive with Your sovereignty?
To say it is all in Your hands is not to say it all goes the way You want?
-- Kingdom come. Pray "Your will be done"
on earth... –
Oh. I guess it isn't.
-- No. No amount of "prayer" will "fix" it. –
...in total. only piece by piece. It will take a cataclysmic act of Yours to fix it.
-- Yes. –
but I'm so sick of it!
-- I know.
So am I..
It is repeated again and again the world over,
in far worse cases. –
yet You've told me to put down my weapons, repeatedly. I don't understand how this fits.
-- Weapons of hate. –
oh. how do I do that? For hate is what I feel.
please help me. I feel so ugly and stained.
I had been trying so hard not to feel rebellious towards You over this because reacting the way I did the last time was horrible beyond words.
As I started to question why Tom's case came out like this, I was walking down the frozen food section of Safeway.
Suddenly, a song came on and hit me full in the face. It was as if You motioned to me to listen. I froze in my tracks in shock, thinking how could this ever apply to me, especially in the state I was in!
(I'm including the lyrics as best as I can remember them. Somehow, I feel they may also be for you. if not today, then tomorrow perhaps, or another day)
"Good night My angel, now it's time to go to sleep.
Put your questions away for another day
and know that I love you.
I have told you I would never leave you
and I will always be here right by you side
as close as your heart beat
as near as your next breath.
And My hope is that someday you will come to see
the depth of the river of love that flows towards you
out from this ancient heart of Mine."