Azalea cluster

-- To a point. Not totally. --

With God: all things are possible.

If you called me into this direction, as long as I lean on you, I can do it.

I suppose I can use Saturdays to catch up..

Of course -- this only leaves about three hours a day to write...

-- Let Me take care of that. --

But You said to give You first four hours of my day.

-- And you aren't? –

Well, I sure haven't been.

-- No, you haven't. But you are working in that direction. This time in a better way. It is not My will for you to always work exhausted. Yes sometimes that will happen, even have to happen, but not as a habit. If you live that way habitually, what resources will you call on when I call you to a more pressed time?

 It isn't all spiritual, you know. I have built emergency resources into the body.

They are for emergencies. Not daily living.

As you already know, you have some long running, deeply entrenched, bad habits of time management. Your natural tendencies run amok with the lack of externally imposed time frames. And yes, there is some compulsiveness that plays into it. Plus you never had anyone to teach you how to do this. But I will teach you.

I will lead you. This is what you want, and what I want. Live and move in tandem. You'll learn to lean on me as much as any missionary, for that is what you are.

And no. That does not mean run and open your e-mail right now. After 3 PM. That is when you can look at. I will help you. You are helping people. That will grow, but first I have to get you to the point of handling the assignments I've already given you.

It isn't just "write." Remember I told you to practice. I've been telling you. I let you see how you will struggle without it. Yes, I blessed those times anyway. But they can be/will be more.

The rest will come. Sooner than you think.

And rest is important for the rest of it, too.

It is useless to continually flog a tired body. The mind just will not follow along. Cannot flog a brain into action. That would turn into a mushy pulp, wouldn't it? --

Ugh. That's a nasty picture.

-- Yes – and nasty what you do to your brain when you try to function like this. Hope is right about the growth hormone and regeneration. I don't want you relying on your medication just to stay awake. --

          Oh no -- it is 11 o'clock. The hour is up.

-- Yes. And your coach is about to turn into a pumpkin...

          Silly girl. I'm not going to leave you.

And you don't owe Me "bible reading time," either. That will come again.

First things first... --

That's a big lesson...

-- Part of it. A big part. Wrapped into it is saying no to yourself.  No one likes to do that. I didn't like to do it, either! It is hard.

But it gets easier with practice.

Habits. Let's work on establishing new habits. This month. Keep working towards it.

Yes, I will give you the determination to see it through. --

Hmmm... wonder which fruit of the Spirit...

-- No you don't! Not the time to read, even the Bible.

BTW –

             I believe perseverance is the word you are looking for.

And no, don't look it up now.

Look it up tomorrow --

And sometimes those uncertainties can reappear although apparently settled before.

I was reading about "journaling prayer" and came across the statement: "write your love letter to Jesus and listen to His love letter to you."

But Lord, I don't feel very lovable.

– I know... –

I'm not sure that is You.

Funny. I've been treating my family with extra gentleness; yet I feel unlovable. It seems I aim those feelings more towards You than elsewhere. I just don't have any idea of how I'm supposed to be around You. Everything feels so scrambled up, yet I find I sing praises to You under my breath as I go about, unknowingly.

– Do you think perhaps that pleases Me? –

Yes, now that You mention it. I think it pleases You very much when adoration for You wells up from within us even when we feel reject-able. I guess it shows some kind of trust: perhaps the one that knows You are steadfast, no matter what... and knows that You will get us out of whatever predicament we (or our past) lands us into.

Then I start to cry. I hear a sort of unhappy but soothing:

– What...!? –

Oh. I don't know... I feel all wrong. Like I'm doing it all wrong.

– There is no "all wrong". Each way is individual. –

Always people's perspective that seeking You intently is selfish and self-serving sets me into a tizzy of fear. Am I really so self serving? Yesterday You gently showed me how You used me for others in a way that was woven into my day. And as I sit here, I think that even my "housework" per se, is really a serving of my family: a way of supporting each one and helping them achieve their goals.

And I realize: the time I sit before You is proportionally not so huge. It is a good bit of time, but not really when seen against the backdrop of life's demands. I hope this is not too selfish of me, but I crave it so.

– Why? Why do you want this? –

Because if I do not come apart to seek You, then I fall apart. As far as people go: there is nothing in me that can serve You by serving them unless You pour it into me. I need You!

Granted: I want You, too – - but I cannot function as Your servant apart from You; and to be a part of You I have to come apart with You for awhile everyday!

Oh. but that sounds so work oriented, when in truth I come because You are simply glorious to be near.

I do love you: you are Mine!

Don't parents love the children that are their own?

And you are Mine!

You tend to doubt that. You think it comes and goes, depending on yourself- you depend too much on yourself. –

I know I'm supposed to "lean" on You, but oh Lord, in practical terms I don't know how. Please show me how?

– You think that you have to be dependable, for yourself, for everyone else –

– the whole world on your shoulders.

Poor shoulders, Little One. Too much weight. Too little strength.

I love you too much to do that to you.

See the robin in the leaves? –

But he's so alert, on guard.

– And he doesn't get anywhere, does he? –

no. But he has to eat. If he wasn't on guard he'd probably be eaten.

– Trust, Child. You need to learn to trust. Are you afraid of being eaten? –

Yes. I guess so.

– By whom? –

Satan.

– But even he is under My control. –

Lord? I have trouble with that. Scripture seems to say to be on guard for the enemy seeks to devour and destroy.

– Read it again, in context.–

Okay. Here it is in James 4: "Submit yourself to God. Resist the devil and he will flee... Come near to God and He will come near to you. Wash your hands and purify your heart. Humble yourself before God and He will lift you up."

– Where is the emphases? –

on You, Lord. On looking to You and then You lift us up.

– Keep going. –

I Peter 5:6 "Humble yourself under God's mighty hand so that He may" (uh, Lord? that sounds qualified?) "lift you up in due time. Cast all of your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. Be self controlled and alert..."

(uh, Lord?)

– Keep reading. –

"Your enemy, the devil like a roaring lion prowls about wanting and waiting to devour you. Resist him. Stand firm."

– (See? That is not an on edge - watchful - anxious alertness. It is standing in response to a direct attack. It is not watching and waiting for the attack.) –

"...because you know that all fellow believers are undergoing the same kinds of suffering. And the God of all grace who called you...

– (You did not call yourself to Me. I called you!) –

"...to His eternal glory in Christ."

Not to blight and uselessness,but to glory.

Glorious. I have told you that you are Glorious to Me,

but you doubt it and that stabs My heart.

Yes, I understand why it is so,but you need to look to Me.

I will write your faith walkand I will bring it to completion. –

"His eternal glory in Christ."

– Your "glory" is in Christ –it is in Me... that means it is in Me.

You are in Meand I cannot separate you from Myself

And neither do I want to, oh "faith"-less one.

You are in Me, part of Me, eternally – forever.

I will not cut you off from Myself.

And, yes, I know you don't like those "sappy love letters" that you read sometimes in other's writings. To each is given his own. That is why I don't speak to you like that. You wouldn't like it, and it does not sound true to you. –

"After you have suffered a little while, He will Himself restore you and make you strong."

– Who restores you, Child? –

You do, Lord.

– Who makes you strong? –

You do.

– Do you make you strong? –

no.

– Can you? –

no.

– So relax. Please. You worry too much. –

but how do I get these things done? How do I get my physical life in order?

– Do you want to? –

oh, please! It gets to me! But I don't want it to take away from You. I need You. And I need to know what to do for (the mom). Soon! Help!

– How do you feel right now? –

anxious. tense.

– Do you think that pleases Me? –

no.

ouch.

– No, Child. That was not meant to be belittling. I have gifted you with a fine mind and with compassionand I will use those gifts

but they must be directed and empowered by Me. It is not you driving them.

I am not a slave driver.

When it needs be that you must over extend yourself,then I will direct you.

Stop driving yourself.

Shepherds do not drive lambs over craggy rocks! They lead them -- tenderly.

And I will lead you,tenderly, Child. Please rest. Come into My arms. Do not fear.

I am here with you and I control the situation-- it is in My hands.

Yes, watch and pray,

but rest...in My arms

...and watch the deliverance I have planned for you. –

-- Sing awhile, play awhile

move in parts

yet flood the whole with My presence.

Speak to Me all the time

and I will guide your goings and guard your comings.

You live and move encased in Me

You wear Me like a crown and

do not see that I am drawn around you

with velvet thread --a robe to keep you warm.

A cozy robe, informal, a robe for rest and comfort

and putting up your slippered feet to drink your cup of tea.

I am the tea that warms you and the chair that supports you.

I am the stool that rests your feet.

Yes, at times I am your battle dress, when war is close at hand.

And at times I am your ballroom gown as we celebrate through the night.

At other times I am your business attire and I clothe you fit to work.

But today I am your fluffy robe

and I draw you aside

to rest in My heart

and know that I love you. –

“You are all children of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” Galatians 3:26-28 (NIV)

“ I delight greatly in the LORD;
my soul rejoices in my God.
For He has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.” Isaiah 61:10

I know why it is so hard for me to lay down my "weapons of hate" as You have told me to do.

It hurts too much!

It seems that if I didn't hold my anger up like a shield, then I would have to grieve.

In all of this, I must first and foremost remember that I am Your servant, and act as such. I am not my own person any longer, but I am Yours.

hmmm: Something just occurred to me. I get angry when something I cherish is out and out attacked: people (especially those who cannot defend themselves), this small church body, the larger Body of Christ, You, (my own reputation, alas! Does one ever get to the place that it no longer matters?)

oh.

And God help anyone who dares to attack my children!

I guess that tells us something about You.

1Cor. 6: 4-7 has the phrase, "Weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left."

Hey! That's what is to replace "weapons of hate"!!! But how easy it is for us to confuse the two! And both hands must be occupied, leaving no room to pick up the wrong thing. How can I know the difference?

"Rather, as servants of God..."

(okay, You've spoken to me of being a servant)

"we commend ourselves in every way"

(this is how we can know the difference between true and false - do we commend ourselves as follows, or otherwise?)

"in great endurance, in troubles, hardships and distress; in beatings, imprisonments and riots;)"

(hmmm, just because these things follow us it doesn't mean we're "wrong" or "yucky" or that we're not living "victoriously" somehow, or that our "sin" has left open a door for Satan's attacks. This all just seems part and parcel of the Christian's life.)

"in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger;"

(some act as if we are sinning or dysfunctional if these ever happen!)

"in purity, understanding, kindness and patience"

(interesting that PURITY is followed by this particular triplet! When we think we are oh so pure, we so often follow it with condemnation, irritability and cruelty! Ouch!)

"in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love"

(an interesting duet! If we are truly in the Spirit, we truly, sincerely love!)

"in truthful speech and in the power of God"

(no truth, no power! Amen!)

"with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left."

(I still can't quite piece it together. help?)

okay - columns. If I list "weapons of righteousness" on one side, it stands to reason their opposite may fill out what are "weapons of hate".

Thank You, Lord for clarifying this for me.

Help me always to remember that Your ways are not our ways - that's for sure! Who would ever in their right mind think of things like compassion, understanding and such as weapons! But You do tend to do the improbable!

So please, whenever I fall into any of the weapons of hate that You have told me I must lay down, check me quick! And give me the grace to do Your will instead of mine, for mine is inevitably flawed. Help me never to use weapons of hate – no matter how great the injustice, no matter how defenseless the person who is being hurt is, no matter how many lies are being told or lives being harmed. Just because evil is being perpetrated, is no reason for me to act in such a manner.

Teach me instead to walk in Your ways and fight with Your weapons alone. For we are not to give up the fight and we are not to cave into evil. You have told us to advocate for the widow and the orphan, to seek justice for the downtrodden. Only we must do it in Your way and in Your power. Never our own.

LOVE                        HATE

"bears all things”            "I'm not about to put up w/ that! Not for oneminute!"

– Do you think I could feel any less? –

no. I guess not. Its just that the line seems/sounds so hopeless. I'm confused. I don't understand. Its poignancy lay in the father's powerlessness, while You are powerful..

– There are things you don't understand. –

I know... I also get confused as to how Your compassion and anger blend, fit together and somehow do not negate each other...

– Think: yourself. How is it for you? –

yes, I see, a little. Both anger and compassion have theirs roots in passion – a passionate and driven love and a passionate yearning for truth to be seen and for righteousness to prevail. Part of it is passion for righteousness.

What was it You said? "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they will be filled. . . . Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.” (Matt 5)

So – it's almost there, almost on the edge of my consciousness. I almost get it.

But when I get really, really angry, I feel destructive.

– What if it is someone you love? –

no. not really.

– When it is someone you are very close to? –

I needed to see that, didn't I?

1) If I do feel hateful, it is temporary and probably due to a) sin (mine) not under control, b) hormones, c) low blood sugar, d) major stress overload, e) some sort of desperate fear, etc.

2) I needed to be able to separate Your anger from Your hate.

That's what You are telling me, isn't it? That on some level I am confusing anger with hate, especially when it comes to You.

You do get angry with us.

We get angry at our children, too. But that is not the same as hate.

We get angry at each other, and may even say so. But as long as we are filled with Your love and desire to walk in Your Spirit, the anger will only be a temporary thing.

Scripture says that Your anger lasts but for a moment, but Your love endures forever. Thank You.

Be it so, Lord. I do not want to do/say the things or harbor the thoughts that anger You -- even that temporary breech in relationship gives me a sick feeling.

(Col. 3)"Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature... Now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these:

anger / rage / malice / slander / from your lips... /

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, cloth yourselves with:

compassion / kindness / gentleness / and patience.

Bear with one another and forgive whatever grievances you have against one another.

Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace."

1Thess. 5:8 "But since we belong to the day, let us be self controlled, putting on faith and love as a breastplate and the hope of salvation as a helmet. For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath... Therefore, encourage one another and build each other up."

Habb. 3:2 - a prayer: "... in wrath, remember mercy, O Lord."

(This is a good thing for us to remember to do, also!)

Habb 2:12 "Woe to him who builds a city with bloodshed... The Lord Almighty determined that the people's labor is only fuel for the fire"

Hmmm... City can = building ourselves a place of honor and esteem from others, a place of power from which to operate, and a place for us to "dwell".

Bloodshed in this era, can = murdering the reputations of others.

"Fuel for the fire" = when we do this thing, it will turn around at some point and burn us!

verse 16 - "Now it is your turn! Drink and be exposed!... Disgrace will cover your glory."

It sounds so awful, but taken in context, this means that the Lord merely turns back onto us what we've done to others.

Oh Lord – of all the things I regret, I regret the vast amounts of time invested in helping them while Heidi was so ill. It seems like such a waste, now.

-- You don’t know that… --

You mean it wasn’t?

-- No. At least not in the way you are thinking.

You spent time, your time, to help someone who truly needed help.

And yes, it helped the church, too.

And you did gain from it. You needed friends at the time who were available.

And – You needed fun!

Little One – I know you and I don’t drive you. You just think I do.

Life is for living, too, not just work.

Hey – I partied. For real .

I enjoyed it so much!

Even in the midst of being about my Father’s business, I partied.

I enjoyed people and I enjoyed life. And that was during a very short three years.