Christmas 1995 - Devastated Hearts Waiting for the Light

Christmas 1995

Dear Family and Friends, 

As another year whirls to its close, I find I have no memory left. (Someone please tell me Alzheimer's does not onset in one's 42d year). Seriously.

One of our neighbors remarked that we have a crazy life. Certainly, I’ve held a chair like a shield as I tried whip to my schedule to eke out some time to write. Then just as I grab my material and rush downstairs to boot up (quite proud of myself for dealing with time for once rather than the other way around).... I find the computer is already in use.

Well, at least the homework is getting worked on; even if at the expense of my computer time. Justin, it turns out, adores high school. This kid who had seemed so isolated a year ago suddenly has an overwhelming (for us, that is) social life due to one very committed youth pastor and a sweetheart of a girlfriend. He loves his classes (minus the still problematic homework. But he ­is trying. And struggling.)

And he has found a niche on the crew team and in the orchestra. 

Galen, our little social jitterbug, has been packing around all year with the delightful group of neighborhood boys and girls of varying ages. Oh, they get in little spats at times, yet adult manner they use to work out their conflicts amazes me. He has turned into quite a little writer. I never would have believed that of this the child one almost would have to beat with a stick just twelve months ago to get him to write more than a word.

Heidi continues to brighten people's lives wherever she goes. An increase in cortica-steroids seems to have helped her schoolwork turn back around. We are seeing a little bit more of her personality back. She has been having what appear to be smaller seizures, increased fatigue, and some other difficulties that we are not quite sure about. Her doctors are trying to find out what is going on and hopefully we will know something soon as a result of last week's MRI and thyroid scan. At least this year has held no wheelchairs or prolonged hospital stays, for which we are grateful.

I dearly love my children. Each one delights us in their own unique way. I thank God for the brightness they add to my life. But not all of this year has been pleasant.

Besides the peculiar ups and downs of our family's life, we have known the heartbreak of walking with a number of friends through some wrenching situations that have left them nearly devastated. And we also, have come close to the edge of our endurance at times. Oh, I realize that to some it appears "unseemly" to mention this sort of thing at Christmas when everything is supposed to be sweetness and light.

But... can you see?

This is the point. The whole point. 

This very "sweetness and light" we celebrate, came down to us on that first Christmas in the midst of hardship and a darkness sometimes so deep – that we could not see.

We who thought we had known our way, became lost in the darkness of sin and sorrow – and we could not find the way out. In a cave of our own making we stumbled, hands out stretched in front of us; afraid we would fall over the precipice lurking just beyond our field of vision.

Then suddenly, into this most absolute of darkness, came the Light. He knew that if He came and we saw Him as He is; His absolute brilliance would completely blind us, and we would shrink back in unmitigated horror.

So instead, He came as an infant, a warm, cuddly baby: defenseless against the elements and animals and tyrants. The One through whom and for whom and by whom the universe was created - became one of us, so that someday we could become like Him, all faults and flaws and imperfections gone; radiating His love and light. 

And while a great deal of our darkness is due to our own sin, much is due to that of others that we might not even know. Sometimes it is due merely to the fact that we are confused by the circumstances of life. We just don't understand why some things have to happen.

And God, Himself, who came to us in the form of a child, asks us to come to Him in the midst of our confusion and frustrations and hurtings and simply be His children. Even now, I believe He would say to each one; each individual who is willing to come to Him for who He is:

– My Child, I love you and I want you for My own; never doubt that.

Come, and like a small dove nestle into My hands and I will protect you.

I know you are hurting, and I, alone, know why.

I know you are confused, My Little One,

and that is what you are: little.

You don't understand - and I see that and do not fault you for it,

for you are as a child; a child in the dark.

When a child is lost in the dark, he feels all alone.

The deeper the darkness, the deeper the sense of isolation.

One does not fault a child for losing his way in the dark - one seeks to find him and bring him home.

And so I will "find" you if you are willing -- for I am not willing that any should be lost in the dark

and nothing is dark to Me.

The darkness is from your end only, Child. It is your inability to see clearly what is before you. To throw off the darkness, simply look to Me in trust. I know this comes hard to you: that is why these present things must happen. There needs to grow a trust in you - a trust that is there and steady,

no matter what...

...no matter what is happening around you or to you; no matter how hard it is or how dark it looks.

Look to Me: I am the light that lights up the darkness. I am the only light you need. All other "lights' are either limited or false. Look to Me and I will shine a light into your darkness.

No one else can light your way, except Me. I am your only light. Do not grieve over human failings. I will light your way, personally. And, yes, you will find this "more precious than gold," more precious than human acclaim, more precious than another's love...

You will have those in measure as I know you can tolerate and need,

but I will be your light

and I will light your way

and I will be the light in you that draws others to Me.

Rest, My Child. Know that I will not ever abandon you as an unloved orphan, but I will claim you for My very own, if only you should desire.

Though the mountains fall into the sea, and the earth come to the end of her seasons, know this: that I will never leave you,

nor will I forsake you,

for I love you with a love that has no boundaries; no endings,

and you are My child,

My precious child. –

We would like to offer hope from our own experience. No matter what the difficulties, no matter how hard the way; we have found that He who was and is and is to come is always faithful.

He who is Lord of the universe could come to us in power and might; but instead chooses to respond in love to the heart that cries out to Him. He is infinitely knowable – and desirous of being known to those who would seek Him. To know and be known by Him, to bask in His presence, is a such a joy and a delight, that all the treasures this world could offer are but a candle to the sun's resplendent light.

I can truly say that while I fervently wish that the people in my life would not have had to suffer as they have; as for the sufferings of my own, I am grateful. The Lord has used them to burn some parts of my baser nature away and I have learned a lot from their lessons. They taught me many things about people and life that I could not have known otherwise.

And although at times it seemed like I would be crushed under the weight of their agony; I found instead that in their own peculiar way, they have led me more deeply into the Lord, Himself. And there I found His arms open wide to take me in and His love to pour down over me. This place of deep communion is of such great value, that any price "paid" to arrive there seems a pitiful nothing.

With Paul, we find we can say, "What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord..." (Philippians 3:8)

Our prayer for each of you this season and in the year to come is this: that you will know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that His arms are open wide, waiting to take you close to Himself, if only you will let Him.

May the grace and peace of the One who Is: the Lord Jesus Christ, rest in you and upon you.

Merry Christmas with love,

Patty, Michael, Heidi, Justin, and Galen Christopher Kashtock