Time Management with God

Azalea clusterLord -- I am undisciplined

-- To a point. Not totally. --

With God: all things are possible.

If you called me into this direction, as long as I lean on you, I can do it.

I suppose I can use Saturdays to catch up..

Of course -- this only leaves about three hours a day to write...

-- Let Me take care of that. --

But You said to give You first four hours of my day.

-- And you aren't? –

Well, I sure haven't been.

-- No, you haven't. But you are working in that direction. This time in a better way. It is not My will for you to always work exhausted. Yes sometimes that will happen, even have to happen, but not as a habit. If you live that way habitually, what resources will you call on when I call you to a more pressed time?

 It isn't all spiritual, you know. I have built emergency resources into the body.

They are for emergencies. Not daily living.

As you already know, you have some long running, deeply entrenched, bad habits of time management. Your natural tendencies run amok with the lack of externally imposed time frames. And yes, there is some compulsiveness that plays into it. Plus you never had anyone to teach you how to do this. But I will teach you.

I will lead you. This is what you want, and what I want. Live and move in tandem. You'll learn to lean on me as much as any missionary, for that is what you are.

And no. That does not mean run and open your e-mail right now. After 3 PM. That is when you can look at. I will help you. You are helping people. That will grow, but first I have to get you to the point of handling the assignments I've already given you.

It isn't just "write." Remember I told you to practice. I've been telling you. I let you see how you will struggle without it. Yes, I blessed those times anyway. But they can be/will be more.

The rest will come. Sooner than you think.

And rest is important for the rest of it, too.

It is useless to continually flog a tired body. The mind just will not follow along. Cannot flog a brain into action. That would turn into a mushy pulp, wouldn't it? --

Ugh. That's a nasty picture.

-- Yes – and nasty what you do to your brain when you try to function like this. Hope is right about the growth hormone and regeneration. I don't want you relying on your medication just to stay awake. --

          Oh no -- it is 11 o'clock. The hour is up.

-- Yes. And your coach is about to turn into a pumpkin...

          Silly girl. I'm not going to leave you.

And you don't owe Me "bible reading time," either. That will come again.

First things first... --

That's a big lesson...

-- Part of it. A big part. Wrapped into it is saying no to yourself.  No one likes to do that. I didn't like to do it, either! It is hard.

But it gets easier with practice.

Habits. Let's work on establishing new habits. This month. Keep working towards it.

Yes, I will give you the determination to see it through. --

Hmmm... wonder which fruit of the Spirit...

-- No you don't! Not the time to read, even the Bible.

BTW –

             I believe perseverance is the word you are looking for.

And no, don't look it up now.

Look it up tomorrow --

Buying Not Bread

Dogwood in sand

Well I still did not get down here first thing. I started cleaning the stove.

-- You're distracting --

oh. I guess I don't really want to write.

-- Patty. You don't think you do, but you enjoy it once you get going. Think --

Yes, I was up late working on a blog entry. It takes so long. How do people like Sarah Hey, do it?

-- You’ll get faster as you write more. --

Then I started to go through these piles of papers. I see time slipping away and I am so disgusted with myself.

-- Don't be. You'll get there.

You are, under line that twice, are making progress.

It takes time AND focus. Time alone won't do it.

Continuing to stay focused on the goal ahead, will. --

I started thinking about the website. Mike is out this evening. I can work on it and that excites me. Then I realized I'd better not touch the Internet until I've got the daily stuff. And maybe some cleaning done.

Or maybe not.

Chores wait, neighbor's needs have piled up. If I could just vacuum and put away the way the last bit of the mess! But I want to write even if it's only to post.

-- Use your desire to motivate you through your "chores."--

Like my grandmother?

-- Yes. --

You provided a good example for me. Thank You.

Work towards pleasure, even if the pleasure is actually a form of work. That would help. It would be nice to work towards something I love to do instead of work towards more chores.

One thing, I finally begin to see time really does keep moving. If I fritter away an hour and a half, it is gone...

Yet I can't be a machine.

I am constantly in danger of spending myself on not-bread.

Plastic Guards and the King of Hearts

from 3D wallpaersI heard, 

--- Let Me in –

and suddenly I feel/see these little plastic guards around my heart. Yet flimsy and small though they are, You do not breach them.

--- Of course not little one. Even if they were strong and mighty guards. I could breach them at a walk. It makes no difference how strong or how small a defense against Me you wage. There is no comparison. I am very, very big and you are very, very small. You are so tiny and helpless and defenseless. All your defenses and the defenses of man through the ages, even if pulled together are nothing to Me.

Except for one thing: love.

I will not take what is not given freely, for that is not Mine to take.

All that you have has been given to you by My hand. When you give of your substance or time, you return a portion of what was given to you.

But there is one thing you can give to Me, your love. Encased within that love are trust and the very essence of yourself. And when obedience springs out of this place, it becomes a gift to Me rather than simply obedience. While obedience has value in its own right, it is not really what I am looking for. Yes, to obey is better than sacrifice, but genuine love/trust is better than both.

Back to plastic barriers. From a strength perspective, you may as well think of them as 4 inches of Saran wrap. But I gave you free will, and it is your choice. I will not take that which is not given freely. As I told you before, that would be rape, and I don't treat My creatures like that.

I will add to that. It would be a rape of the most hideous magnitude to your soul that you cannot comprehend it. If I would not treat My creatures like that, I certainly would not treat those created in My own image in that way, especially those who are My children.

I give my love freely. Is it is here for you at all times. I gave you the ability to do the same. It has been marred by sin and trauma, but it is still there. It is your choice. I will continue to heal you, but I prefer to do it from within those places rather than externally.

But you need to let Me in...

                                                 Of course. ---

Hope from a Near Death Experience

Dale could not have known this, but the day he sent his testimony, I probably felt Seagull by Dale Cordell modified with filters as discouraged as I have ever been. The feelings of uselessness nearly overwhelmed me that night. The one ability I have worked to hone is leading worship, yet in my current position, I function as more of a song leader than a worship leader. By the end of the month, I believe the position will be folded due to some changes at the church. I am getting older and for the most part churches seem to want younger. Staying on top of voice and guitar are time intensive and I have much else to do. If I am not going to use them for an eternal purpose, it seems I should just quit altogether. I am willing to walk away from it if that is what the Lord wants and for some time now, have been trying to discern what He desires from me.

Then I see what other people do for the Lord, and here I am. I do all these little things to help out, but they don't seem like much to me, only time-wise I can't fit anything more.

Perhaps the weight of the years has just built up.

Then again, maybe I feel torn because I have been working steadily on the book about Heidi. Remembering the cancerward and the surgeries for now does not send me into despair. Remembering Heidi from an earlier time when she was the Heidi she was created to be, hurts.

And so that night, I sat at my computer lower than low, to answer email. Up popped Dales' testimony. As I read, I began to cry, and hope rose up, once again.

I posted Dale's letter in the readers' stories section, but was concerned it might get lost there, so I also placed it here. While this was not an actual conversation I had with the Lord, I believe it was His answer to my questions that day. He did not answer specific questions at the time although He likely will later. Instead, He answered the underlying questions that fuel many of the other questions.

The letter from Dale Cordell:

Since you ARE a believer, I thought I'd share something with you.

Seagull by Dale CordellNow, you know that we usually don't remember dreams for long... even the best or the worst. But about a month ago, I had an experience that could be a dream OR a near death experience. Or, of course, it could have been God speaking to me. In any case, the experience was real. The memory of it shall never ... NEVER... leave me.

OK... you may take this any way you choose, but I think that what little I know of you, you will be as excited as I am.

I know I was in bed sleeping. Suddenly, no dreams. I felt myself take my last breath, let it out. Then, my soul (?) started to rise up. I was in a complete surrounding of pure black.

Above me... or in front of me, was a light. This light was BRIGHT, but it did not hurt to see it. As a matter of fact, the light and the dark were both so pure that there was no fear.

As soon as I'd taken my last breath, all of my fears, my cares, my worries... all of my earthly feelings were gone. I felt (not sure how to word it, completely, but I'll try.) nothing containing Earthly feelings. What I felt was an overwhelming JOY. An overwhelming HAPPINESS.

The closer to the light I got, the feelings of ecstasy were so strong that I cannot describe how happy and filled with joy, I was. The light... being so bright and all... brought more comfort, the closer I got to it.

Then, I felt myself take in a deep breath and I awoke, remembering everything as clearly as humanly possible. The feelings of joy and happiness were still within me. Those feelings have slowly dissipated, but the "experience,” I believe, shall remain with me, until that time that I do take my final breath.

If there were any doubts about God or Heaven, before this experience, there are absolutely NONE now. When we die, yes, we do raise up. When we die, yes, our soul and consciousness leave our body and moves toward the light.

If you'd like to post my testimony on your blog, you have my permission to do so, using my name, etc. I'm very pleased to have had this experience, even if it turns out that perhaps my body DID try to die. I've no idea if I may have sleep apnea or another condition that may have caused this event.

But, I'm in no fear of it happening again, even if it is my time to leave. With all that's going on in this world, I have prayed to God, numerous times, asking Him to take me Home. I am tired. My body is tired and nearly worn out... as far as muscular and spinal conditions go. When God decides it is my time, I actually long for it, even more so now than before.

I have always worried about leaving my loved ones behind. My wife, my pets, my friends. I worry for their care and safety, more than for just the loss of my humble and frail body.

But now, those worries are way in the background, even though I wish to continue living and loving my friends, most of the time. When depression hits me, big-time, then I get to a point of "I just don't care.” which I know is very selfish of me.

Pat, you can publish this any way you like. I just want to share my experience and give others more hope... as I received. If you wish to post the whole letter, that's fine. Feel free to share it any way you can. If my testimony helps even ONE person, then both of us have attained our goal.

Take care and God Bless you!

Dale Cordell

Ducks Don't Stay In Rows

Ducks Don't Stay In Rows

I had a question about doing something and I asked you about it. I felt like You said that it was more than okay to do, but as I look outside the vastness of the sky I how can I know the You that is You? I thought You said something, but just in writing the above, I lost it.

Photo by Dale Cordell, animation by Heather Gill

Trying to get my ducks in a row again.

You trickle down over my head and fill me with lightness.

-- That's okay. Perhaps it wasn't Me who spoke. ---

Silence.

--- I will never leave you, nor will I for sake you.

Not as the world loves, do I love

but with a love that is forever.

Not just lasts forever

because that alone gives it a starting point.

My love is from forever.

It does not abandon, nor does it seek self gain.

My love is for you,

and with you,

and because of you.

From when there was no time

to when there will be not time.

It is constant. ---

What shall I read? I pick up the revolution of character by Dallas Willard.

--- No, not that one. Not today. ---

Then what?

--- Isaiah 42 ---

Oh no. The "not bread" one again. Sigh. I do tend to spend myself on the wrong things.

But it wasn't that verse. Chapter 42 speaks of how Jesus will come: with both mercy and justice. His tenderness will be so great that He will take care not to break up roost read or snuff a smoldering wick. Yet He will be like a mighty warrior.

And we will sing a new song to You while you lead us who are so blind down an unfamiliar path. You do this by shining the brightest light for us and removing the obstacles that would trip us up.

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known. A long unfamiliar paths I will guide them. I will turn the darkness into light for them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them."

In chapter 43 You say,

"But now Israel, the Lord who created you... ” (and I think of You that way)

“... says 'Do not be afraid.' (I tend to fear)

'I have called you by name; you are Mine' (something I need settled in my head)

'when you go through great waters and deep trouble, I will be with you. When you go through the rivers of difficulty, you will not drown.'"

So often, I have felt like I was drowning. Today it seemed like circumstances would overwhelm me. Thank you Lord for speaking directly to me then showing me in Scripture a place You already said this exact thing.

When the Journey Began

The first stages of any new venture can be fraught with misunderstanding.

And sometimes those uncertainties can reappear although apparently settled before.

I was reading about "journaling prayer" and came across the statement: "write your love letter to Jesus and listen to His love letter to you."

But Lord, I don't feel very lovable.

– I know... –

I'm not sure that is You.

Funny. I've been treating my family with extra gentleness; yet I feel unlovable. It seems I aim those feelings more towards You than elsewhere. I just don't have any idea of how I'm supposed to be around You. Everything feels so scrambled up, yet I find I sing praises to You under my breath as I go about, unknowingly.

– Do you think perhaps that pleases Me? –

Yes, now that You mention it. I think it pleases You very much when adoration for You wells up from within us even when we feel reject-able. I guess it shows some kind of trust: perhaps the one that knows You are steadfast, no matter what... and knows that You will get us out of whatever predicament we (or our past) lands us into.

Then I start to cry. I hear a sort of unhappy but soothing:

– What...!? –

Oh. I don't know... I feel all wrong. Like I'm doing it all wrong.

– There is no "all wrong". Each way is individual. –

Always people's perspective that seeking You intently is selfish and self-serving sets me into a tizzy of fear. Am I really so self serving? Yesterday You gently showed me how You used me for others in a way that was woven into my day. And as I sit here, I think that even my "housework" per se, is really a serving of my family: a way of supporting each one and helping them achieve their goals.

And I realize: the time I sit before You is proportionally not so huge. It is a good bit of time, but not really when seen against the backdrop of life's demands. I hope this is not too selfish of me, but I crave it so.

– Why? Why do you want this? –

Because if I do not come apart to seek You, then I fall apart. As far as people go: there is nothing in me that can serve You by serving them unless You pour it into me. I need You!

Granted: I want You, too – - but I cannot function as Your servant apart from You; and to be a part of You I have to come apart with You for awhile everyday!

Oh. but that sounds so work oriented, when in truth I come because You are simply glorious to be near.

Poor Zucchini: All Tied Up and Nowhere to Grow

I like zucchini. Really.

--To eat it, that is. So I grow it.

But I don’t like growing it.

Zucchini is a stubborn plant. It grows where it wants and how it wants with no regard for anything in its path.

And it has prickles. Sharp prickles. If it had a mind it would own the garden plot, thank you and don’t step on my stems on your way out.

And the plant makes it difficult to avoid stepping on those stems because it tends to grow into every walk space, putting down roots each time the vine makes contact with the soil. This would be a great survival tactic for the zucchini if it weren’t for the dreaded Squash Vine Borer that resides in Virginia. The places the vine contacts the ground serves to help the S.V.B. gain a tooth hold. Once in, it continues to bore up the stem, eventually destroying the proud Queen of the garden. The dark green leaves grow a waxy gray cast. Then they wilt. And the vine rots.

I have tried poisoning the S.V.Bs, and poisoned myself along with them.

They say one can control the S.V.B.s by gently slitting the vine and pulling the little grubby things out. Aside from distaste for slimy grubs, did I mention those prickles? They hurt. A lot. It seemed hopeless.

But one way to take control of zucchinis is to make them grow vertically up a pole rather then run along the ground. This way, the garden plants remain safe from a zucchini coupe. It also provides some protection for the vines from the SVB because they contact the ground in one place rather than many.

The zucchinis hate it. I tie them up to the pole with pretty green ties. As soon as I turn away, the plant begins to stage its rebellion. Instead of growing upright, it turns back down over the tie right towards the ground so that it can take over.

And die in the process.

I can keep them tied to the pole with little trauma when they are young and tender and if I stay on them constantly.

But the minute my mind is elsewhere, the place where the vine grows back down over the tie becomes a hardened kink. I cannot pull it upright. The best I can do is to tie it back to the pole in a bunch while the prickles stab my hands.

Spiteful plant.

Painstakingly I trained the ungrateful thing. But at my first lapse, its natural tendency to run along the ground overcame my training.

And then the Squash Vine Borers moved in.

The plant died.

As I looked at the now dead plant, I realized it isn't just zucchinis that have a rebellion problem. 

How frequently I resist the Lord’s effort to train me. He pulls me upright into the healthiest place for me, but the minute His restraining hand lets go, I turn back down to where my nature wants to roam.

Gently, He pulls me back up again. I get more sun to nourish me that way, and I don’t overtake the space that others need. He protects me from the predators that would bore through my life. 

And although at times it feels like my freedom has been restricted, it really hasn’t. I can grow ten feet along the ground or rise ten feet up into the air. My restrictions lay within my own makeup, not in the Hand that restrains me.

And that garden pole I sometimes fight? It isn’t an inanimate metal stake after all. It is the Vine, Himself, the one who gives me life.

The God Who Weeps

"`Jesus wept.' These words describe a man who, when grief came, was able to weep, for He wanted and

needed to express the feelings within him... I suggest we put a comma . . . so it now reads: ‘Grieve, not as those who have no hope..." (The Answer, page 590)

God weeps?

Yes, God weeps, Child.                                                                    

      For you,

      For the world

God weeps.

      But the day will come when there will be an end to that weeping, both yours and Mine.

That day will come and we will rejoice, you and I together.

     We will be full,

     My Bride and I will be full

              And there will be no more weeping

              No more sorrow.

       The Son will shine and the Dove will fly,

Fly away to Me to make Her nest in the rocks to find shelter in the caverns.

     For I am the Rock that shelters you

     And the caverns are in My heart, your new home.

                      Rest, now.

                      Rest in Me.

                     Fly. Fly with Me

                     Play, play with Me, My little serious one.

             All strivings and angles.

I would soften you.

How?

-- Draw close and let Me do it.

You don't have to figure it out.

The people you carry in your heart you can carry, if you carry them to Me

. Me alone. --

So, softness has to do with trusting You to work and not trying to force the issue?

-- Yes. It does. -

You told me earlier to listen to You.

-- Yes. The "listening" softens you.

It allows Me in, in a particular way. --

Squirrels and ADHA Living

Yikes! My memory is so bad!

-- Turning on too much -

oh. not a restful focused mind.

         -- No. Not!                    

  Flitter, flitter.

           Like that squirrel. -

I see a large squirrel bound from branch to branch, barely in one place for a second.

Wait. There is a smaller squirrel following him. She's much slower, more hesitant. Oh dear. She stops to eat (very funny!) Now she's cleaning her fur. Oh, fuss. She gets totally distracted and turns the other way.

Some time later, I do see the two of them together...

You said before that You do not force us to do Your will because:

-- That would be rape. --

But sometimes I think it would be so much easier if You just did!

-- I don't treat My creatures like that! --

Several days and many distractions I sit again at the picnic table in the woods behind our house:

Groan. So often when I get into a deep conversation with You, I feel like I have to get my pen and I don't want to! I just want to sink into the moment.

-- That time will come, Little One,

In "eternity"

Sooner than you think.

But for now, let's do it this way. -

That last sentence sure had a "period" to it!

Hmmm... there goes my squirrel again.

That doggone Pruning. Again. And What’s With the Darkness, Already?

2/17/97

The little angel Christmas pillow that we've had for years... I noticed for the first time she has green eyes and blonde hair and she looks up at one, with I don't know, sort of a pleading to be loved.

– How could I resist such a little green eyed girl?

How could I resist such a look,

such desire? –

even messed up?

– Even so... –

There is a little tear in her, which makes me feel sad that I haven't taken better care of her, but I guess I couldn't have - not if she was to fulfill her purpose as a child's comfort pillow.

You're saying something about You and me.

You have been on me powerfully these last two days and sometimes I have been barely here.

Please don't leave me?

– What is it she has in her hands? –   

A poinsettia. What is the legend of the poinsettia? What is it she brings to You?

– Herself. –

Okay... I think I remember something about part of the flower having crosses in it. The poinsettia is red, like the color of blood. The appearance of the flowers and the bright red and green foliage does not appear without a prolonged period of darkness preceded by a severe pruning.

There's something here I'm not quite getting. Help?

2/21 – Three days later.

The last three days have been horrible for me. Self hate has boiled like a cauldron.

Oh, Lord, I tried, but I so quickly feel betrayed by You. I wish I would get over that. I mean, it is stupid to think that way, and it isn't a very nice way for me to feel towards You.

– But you fought it, didn't you? –

Yes. I tried.

– That's all I ask. –

As I sit here and type about the angel, the obvious finally hits me. If she is bringing herself to You to give, and "herself" is a poinsettia – the fact is that she cannot "flower" into the beauty that was created into her without the pruning and the darkness. A poinsettia has to be cut back nearly to its roots, then shoved into absolute darkness so that is can bloom again – have the green bracts turn red.

Oh how I hate being pruned! And darkness, even like that of the last very few days is something I shrink from. You said that those vines that remain attached to You will bear fruit and that the Father will prune them so that they will be even more fruitful.

But, thank God, it doesn't last forever. Pruning and darkness are but for a season. If the poinsettia is not brought out into full sunlight at just the right time, it will die, and its blooms are lost forever.

  You are not in the business of losing Your people. Like a tender gardener, You bring us out into the glorious light once again, and we are enabled to grow into full bloom. At some level, this process must be ongoing. Poinsettias must be pruned yearly.

But – and here is another part of the glory of Your ways – by the time to prune has come, the plant has already grown into a bigger plant then it was before. And when it is brought out of its place of resting, it bursts forth into a glory that far exceeds what it had previously known.

That is Your promise to us. Not only will You refuse to throw us on the garbage heap just because we screech so loud at You at pruning time, You will prevent us from growing "smaller" with each pruning. We don't need to fear being reinstated to some “lesser place.” And beyond that, each time You bring us through, we will be more beautiful than before.