That Incorrigible ADHD Person. Yah. You Over There

I am incorrigible. Totally.night time at The Founder's Inn and Spa, for the SongDiscovery worship leading conference

I start with the best intentions. And promptly side track. My verse for the day:

Let me live so I can please You

            And may Your regulations help me

I have wandered away like a lost sheep.

            Come and find me

For I have not forgotten Your commands. (Psalm 119:175-176)

I don’t relate to relating to laws and commands, but I love the lost sheep/come and find me plea. That is how I feel.

When I finally dragged myself into my prayer chair, I asked for something to help. “Heard” –Psalm 121- but thought, nah. I’m making that up. That’s just a general praise passage and not helpful for my current discouraged mood.

So I heard:

–  Okay, then. Psalm 47 –

Well, that was a general praise psalm yet it lifted my mood anyway.

Figured I should look up the other. Psalm 121 turned out to be the, “I lift my eyes to the mountain” psalm which always helps me come into Your presence. Rather than 121, I think You intended me to see the verses from Psalm 119 strung across the top like a banner.

My enemies are not people. They are me.

My flaws and character traits are too strong for me. Please free me? 

I’ve let them imprison me.

 

And I don’t follow Your directions even though I have asked for You to lead me. I want to, but a huge part of me resists. That part wants to do what it wants to do at that moment with no thought surrendered to the day’s larger picture. Forget the week/month/year/lifetime picture.

You have gifted me with perspective. Normally I can see the larger picture at a glance. Yet in this area of within time, perspective flees. Please help me face each day afresh with time-frame perspective firmly in place.

Ha, ha. The chimes go off, letting me know I am already behind schedule. Yet I have learned a lot.

That’s the flip side. You have used the ADHD to get me doing what You want when it did not fit into the schedule I thought You wanted. The switch for me will be getting onto a schedule. I fight it. Well, I fight going to bed.

I don’t like going to bed. A million things to do beckon seductively, so I resist getting ready for bed until I am exhausted. “Just this one more thing,” I say.

     – Are you sure you want to do that? – You ask

Oh, yeah. It won’t take long.

     – Are you sure? –

Yeah. It’ll be fine.”

Hours later I finally fall into bed. Now I am exhausted. I hurt all over. Behind for the day. Distractible. So maybe I will go to bed and sleep eight hours. And wake up feeling great.

And promptly stay up way too late again.

And I Will Use Natural Consequences if I Have To!

I want to give up staying up late for Lent.

--- So do it. ---

And for both Mike's and my stake. I need to get supper on the table at 6 to 630. But I get so distracted.

 --- Temptations will come. It is more spiritual than you think, this battle. ---

How do I deal with that? Seriously Lord. I "know" the "right" answers, but don't get anywhere with them.

--- Give Me the first four hours of your day. ---

Like I didn't today...

---  True. But all is not lost. Not yet. It can be though, if you turn on that computer to do anything but write. No e-mail, and no research either during that time until you are well established in the proper habit. And no -- not until blood through the summer. Even vacation. Use a timer...  –

I am relieved to think that the first four hours includes my time with You, which is an hour plus an hour of practice.

             But that feels like cheating.

--- For now, let's do it that way. –

It takes a huge load off me.

--- You need some hope, and you need something doable. Yes -- use a timer. For now. Not always. Yes -- get a second one. That would help. Bigger is better so you don't lose it. I know how frustrating losing things is for you. ---

And frustrating when I start chasing down rabbit trails rather than stick to what needs to be done. For so many years, I watched often desperate circumstances swallow up my goals. There was little I could do to fix that.

But now, it is almost as if not achieving those goals has taken their place as a new goal in some insidious way. I wonder if I sabotage myself. The day may start off weel. My resolve runs high. For about 45 minutes after waking. Then my hand reaches to do whatever work stands in front of me, rather than towards the work goals for that day.

I have never had a regular schedule oh since I was very little, like before mom got sick.

--- No, you haven't. But you are ready to change. I let you get good and sick of doing it the other way. Consequences of your actions are no fun, but they are great teacher/motivators. It's tough. I know that, Little One.

If you go forward in pieces, you will be able to do it. You will find it is a good fit for you and will like the schedule itself as well as the results. This way will not seem so restrictive. We will move towards the other but not yet. ---