Dancing Feet (from the Upper Room)

 

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Dancing Feet

Read Psalm 34:1-18

[The Lord] will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces.

-Isaiah 25:8 (NIV)

TODAY dawns bright and cold, and I think of my daughter who died not long ago. Heidi leapt, jumped, and danced her way through life. The Christmas before her eighth birthday, she performed the whole Nutcracker Suite for us, complete with a paper crown and wearing my too-long nightgown, which tripped her feet. Before her next birthday arrived, doctors found a tumor in her brain. She never danced again.

But the story does not end there. For nearly 19 years, Heidi lived with the cancer. Although she could not dance, she always smiled and said, "I know that when I get to heaven, I will be able to dance."

Now, her new, strong feet move gracefully in the warmth of God's presence. In heaven, my daughter dances with joy again, without fear or pain, in light that will never fade. She is with God who is love and who will not let her go. Her joy will never end.

Patricia Hammell Kashtock (Virginia, USA)

Thank you, God, that even in grief you can remind us of the joy we will have with you forever. Amen.

Those we love are always held within God's love.

Parents whose child has died

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Christmas 2003 –You never know when the last one will be

Dearest Family and Friends,

I sit here at my picnic table in the woods. The wind blows while the leaves drop all around. Squirrels bound up and down making kamikaze leaps, but they never get hurt. I hear a crunching, crunching and know what I will see before I look up from my writing. Three deer, but yards away, slowly approach. The largest stops and stares at me. Her eyes demand, “What are you doing in my woods?” Then haughtily shaking her head, without the least fear she moves on.

Aliveness throbs through every part. The song of creation washes over me and I am full.

This year drifted gently by on the wings of possibilities, on promises of a future that what not yet realized, will come. Deep within, I sense a new hope for each member of our family waiting to take flight.

Heidi has continued to struggle with the aftermath of several strokes. The worst one occurred in January of 2002. It left her in a wheelchair without the use of her left hand. Thankfully, there have not been any more in almost a year.

While this new disability has not been easy for her, it has brought people into her life who give her the joy of companionship and take away the wrenching loneliness. During the day the angel of our family, Martha Gamez, takes care of Heidi’s basic needs and spends a great deal of time talking with her. She makes it possible for Heidi to engage in creative activities like beading that would otherwise happen sporadically. The Lord has blessed our lives with her thoughtfulness and joy.

Also this year, He brought kindhearted Pat, a volunteer for Brain Injury Services, to take Heidi out into the community to do those fun things like movies and crafts that Mom so rarely gets around to.

Justin became engaged to Hillary, a young woman that we have grown quite fond of this year. He has overcome some hard times from the previous year and grown into young manhood, living on his own and supporting himself. Lately he has experimented with ideas to broaden the business where he works. Time will tell where he ends up, but he has a lifetime of possibilities in front of him. Sometimes it seems we see and talk with him more than that last year he lived here and we have enjoyed his company immensely.

Galen has continued to move forward. He is a high school Junior who plays the cello well and is trying Lacrosse again this year after a nasty case of mono tanked last year’s season. He got his driver’s license this week. Although he has driven responsibly to date, I’m still terrified. Thankfully, Virginia requires lengthy hours spent behind the wheel with one’s parents riding shotgun. This has given us something we can do together and served as an overdue bridge builder. As a result he has integrated more firmly into the family has really stepped into a role of a very helpful young, “almost adult,” and has been a pleasure to be around.

Mike and I have also managed to “come through to the other side” regarding a number of distressing situations that we had to face in the preceding years. At times, except for the Lord’s nearness, each other, and many of you who we are sending this note to, the darkness pressed in so that I found it hard to breathe.

But the Lord made me a promise that it all would be, “like a dream, like a vision that passes in the night,” and “they will be like the morning mist, like the early dew that disappears.” And indeed, it has been like a dream in which one has no control, and in which things go from bad to worse with no one to intervene.

Then suddenly, you wake up.

And sitting up, you realize how horrible it was. For a moment, you can still feel the pain and the terror, but then the early morning birdcalls come through the window and the first glimmerings of the sun poke through the shades in a way you can almost feel their warmth on your face.

And the fear vanishes like the mist.

Life is not so different, for this I am grateful. I am finding anew that as I walk with my hand tucked into the hand of the Creator, that while I am not protected from the searing pain that life too often has to offer, He begins ever so slowly, to shape my responses to that pain.

From that pain, He crafts the “treasures of darkness.” In the deepest darkness of the earth where the pressure is the greatest, He forms the most beautiful of jewels. We are each beautiful in His eyes and a jewel to be crafted, if we will but allow Him to do so.

One of the treasures that came out of our troubles has been the deepening of the true friendships we have with many of you. Another has been the deepening of family ties, both immediate and extended, and the forging of some new and precious relationships.

An unexpected treasure forged from the darkness has been the joy and excitement of leading worship in a mission church. For many months crazy thoughts about leading worship in a “mission church” somewhere plagued me. Finally I realized that maybe the Lord really was calling me to a new direction. I thought the thoughts were crazy this just was not something I would normally have any desire whatsoever to do.

But that changed, and to my surprise, I find I love it. For the first time, I feel like I have grown wings to fly. And with that freedom, comes the sense that I am newly freed to do more. Most of my life, each goal I have set has been road-blocked and stopped cold, and outside of loving relationships with family and friends, I began to feel that I could never achieve anything.

But that is changing. It is really changing. God in His mercy is not done with us at the time in our lives when the world is saying we are phasing out. Again and again, I have seen that even as people age, He still has new things for them to learn, new adventures for each to begin.

So, I invite you out onto this precipice, where the wind blows fierce and the air is crisp and cold, and like diamonds in the rough, the sun’s rays fall all around.

This is the place where if one trusts in the love and ultimate goodness of God, all things are possible in His grace.

From this very precipice one night long ago, the One by whom and with whom and for whom all things were made, stepped off and down into time.

From the vast halls of eternity, He stepped down into the confines of flesh. The Creator became the created to be with those He loves. He, who knew no need outside of time, became a helplessly needy infant, completely dependent on the goodwill of others.

And not all others bore Him peace and good will.

Instead, from the moment of His very birth, they would seek to kill Him, but God would protect Him until the time was right. And then – although this baby grown to a man would suffer – the Lord would raise Him to glorious victory.

As His glory shines all about us in the form of that star in the night so long ago, we pray that He would fill you with the glory of His light in this year to come.

Merry, merry Christmas!

With all our love,

Patty, Michael, Heidi and Galen Christopher

Christmas 2000 - Finding Warmth in a Frozen World

Christmas 2000

Dear Family and Friends,

I wondered whether or not to write this year. It seems that Christmas letters are supposed to be cheery news of how well the year has gone for one’s family -- and in some ways this has been a harder one for us than most, yet of course there have been many, many blessings along the way.

I decided to write anyway because I am asking each of you to pray deeply for us in this year to come, particularly for Heidi. We really need your prayers. Someone who works with Heidi said that she believes the reason we do not see more miracles of healing is that we need to have more people praying for each one. In the spirit of that possibility, I am asking you to please add your earnest prayers to ours.

By God's grace, Heidi is still in remission. There has been no new tumor growth either in her brain or on her spine. But she had been exhibiting neurological symptoms this year such as voiding and falling that had given enough cause for concern to warrant extensive testing. The tests were not promising; this is why I am asking you to really pray for her.

What the MRI has shown is that she has been having what appear to be mini-strokes because of long-term radiation damage. This is why we have seen things become increasingly difficult for her. We have been told that it is basically like Alzheimer’s, except that Heidi is only twenty-three. The doctors have told us that a larger “stroke” could happen and the small ones could continue and that they have nothing to offer her to help. Once again, we find that we have nowhere to turn, except to throw ourselves out onto God’s mercy. With Him, all things are possible, so we ask you to please pray that He would heal Heidi’s brain.

We also ask your prayers for Justin. He is home with us now after a series of things gone wrong in the Army. It has been difficult for him, but he has come home matured in many ways. His endless curiosity about life is still intact and it is good to see the ways that he has grown in compassion and a certain degree of wisdom.

Pray that over time the Lord will give him direction for the next step in his life, and that he will have the grace and desire to follow His leading. Though it all, Justin is truly growing into a young man, and that is a lovely thing to watch unfold.

Thankfully, Galen has been having a normal kid’s year. He had been fully engaged as a player in the Inline Hockey league, but the games are now during church. It was sad for him to give it up, but the Lord is merciful and Galen got to be a starter for the middle school football team (amid the protests of Mom that he was way too much the smallest guy out there!) He has been able to keep up with his studies and participates in the National Junior Honor Society (if at times just a little reluctantly).

As with Justin, I have been amazed at how easily he has been able to begin to transfer playing a stringed instrument to guitar. We ask that you would pray that he would continue to grow in God’s grace.

This year brought a long anticipated change for Heidi. She has had the wonderful opportunity to attend two sheltered workshops three days each week. The first is at Didlake in Alexandria where they make microfiche on contract. The second is at Spinnaweb in Occoquan where they weave all kinds of beautiful cloth on various types of looms. This has been a true joy for her and for us and we are grateful for it.

That is essentially the “news.”

“How do you cope?” some will ask when thinking of the difficulties.

Others will understand the part that prayer plays in keeping us together.

However, it is so much more than that. For you see, God, Himself, saw how hard it was, and in His mercy, He sent His very own Son. Even more than that: He could have protected Jesus from all that pain that life can offer, but did not.

Instead, we are told that Jesus is faithful and kind-hearted towards us because He suffered in all ways just as we do. He knew all of our hurts and fears and weaknesses and so has the greatest compassion for us. I would like to quote from a study Bible, The Answer (page 590)

“`Jesus wept.’ These words describe a man who, when grief came, was able to weep, for He wanted and needed to express the feelings within him... I suggest we put a comma . . . so it now reads: ‘Grieve, not as those who have no hope...”

God weeps? I asked Him and waited as He answered.

-- Yes, God weeps, Child.

For you, for the world

God weeps.

But the day will come when there will be an end to that weeping,

both yours and Mine.

That day will come

and we will rejoice, you and I together.

There will be no more weeping, no more sorrow.

I am the Rock that shelters you

and My heart, your new home.

Rest, now.

Rest in Me.

Know that you can trust Me, My Child, and do not be afraid. I will not let you fall from the path that I have started you on; I love you too much for that. I am the Lord, and I have called you to Myself. I have taken you by the hand and I will keep you, for you cannot keep yourself. I know this and I do not love you less just because you are imperfect.

Remember: I did not come into the world to condemn you. No, I have not. When you are weak like a bruised reed, I will never crush you. Rather, I will nurture you until you can stand again, for I cherish you. When the light inside you grows dim and you feel as though you might faint along the way, I will come into you and shed the brightness of My hope, for I am the Light that has come into the world, and I will lend you My strength.—

And so, at this time of year, we celebrate Him who truly is the Light of the world and the joy in our hearts. Without Him, I long ago told Mike, life would be nothing but a cruel joke.

But with the light of His love shining warmly into our hearts, we have hope, no matter what. He loves us – He actually loves us! Think of that. That in itself is the greatest of miracles, when at times we cannot even stand ourselves: He loves us! He loved us enough to even come as one of us. And if anyone would turn to Him, He has promised to never send him or her away!

 John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that He gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him may not perish but may have eternal life. Indeed, God did not send the Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through Him. Those who believe in Him are not condemned.”

Our prayer for you is that you will always carry that thought in your heart: that if you want to know Him and to be close to Him, He will never turn you away. That is the very reason He chose to come as a baby, born in a manger, in low estate: just so that He could have you close to Himself if you so desired.

We pray that both you and we will cherish His nearness to us above all things. May this Christmas season be blessed for you!

In His love,

Patty, Michael, Heidi, Justin, and Galen

Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day

Posies by a gravestone peeking from its side

Tiny dots of blue with yellow deep inside

Little band of color stands in shades of green

Planted by a Hand that for now remains unseen

And on this day the bright sun barely warms my heart

The bright sun that hangs in heaven

Where You once hung suspended

And it could not warm Your heart

The bright sun could not warm Your broken heart

I stand here by the graveside, a mother lost in pain

Yearning to see her child dance lightly once again

Longings fill this place with empty solitude

Where hope is whispered silently through periwinkle blue

Forget-me-not the flowers whisper, as if I could forget

Your love and lilting laugh echo in my spirit, yet.

Forget-me-not, they whisper as the breeze begins to blow

Stirring up the memories that will not let me go

And on this day the bright sun barely warms my heart

The bright sun that hangs in heaven

Where You once hung suspended

And it could not warm Your heart

The bright sun could not warm Your broken heart

“Remember Me,” You cry through flowers like the star

That hung once in the night for another mother’s child

That child, You were also born to die too soon

While a sword pierced her heart with an empty solitude

And on this day the bright sun barely warms my heart

The bright sun that hangs in heaven

Where You once hung suspended

And it could not warm Your heart

No, it could not warm Your heart

Oh, the bright sun did not warm Your broken heart

Your broken heart

Lyrics by Pat Kashtock

Music by Jean Watson

To hear Jean sing Mother's Day click here: Mother's Day

Christmas 1998 - Questioned by God

Christmas 1998

Dear Family and Friends,

In the midst of children with cancer and ADHD, and all of life’s hard-hits, I have to say that God has been gracious to us and has met us at our every point of need. Life remains messy and often difficult. I personally prefer to have all the loose ends tied up in neat packets. If there is a problem, I want to fix it and move on. If a relationship has gotten damaged, I want to confront it and see it healed right now !

But life isn’t always that cooperative. Problems often refuse to be solved. Relationships sometimes seemed stalled on the wrong side of bitterness. And the loose ends, like slippery eels, refuse to be tied neatly into bows.

For someone like me, this can lead to feelings of frustration and anxiety – not a comfortable way to live. I try to deal with it in the manner I am supposed to, but I often find I flounder.

But the Lord is very gracious, even in this. He never says, “Oh would you please grow up!” Instead, He meets us where we are. One of the things that He has been teaching me these past few years is that I can indeed trust Him and that I can place each person, each situation into His capable hands, and He will take care of it, because, really, I cannot. Situations can be too complex for me to figure out and I cannot see into the hearts of those I care about, to know what they truly need.

He can. I have just had problems believing that He actually would do this for me. So one day I asked, “Oh, Lord, You are the One who is the Meeter of needs. Help me to trust You.”

To this He replied:

— Have I ever let you down? —

Well, the two court cases that we advocated for prey on my mind and my ability to have faith and trust. We prayed and fasted and fought for these people as hard as we could, and the outcome was so awful.

—That was them.

There were things that you did not, do not know or understand. Those outcomes were the “lesser of two evils” so to speak. I know you feel I let them down,

but did I let you down? —

Only that I prayed and it “didn’t work”, Lord.

— It doesn’t need to “work.” It is in My hands.

In the end, I knew your heart. You desired the best for them.

You just did not understand what was needed.

Yes, I know it looks like evil prevailed, and in a way and for a time, it did.

It feels like a slap in the face to you,

...but it does to Me, also.

And do you know? I don’t like it either. I know it feels bad; I know it hurts!

I felt the pain of it: the rejection, the being misunderstood, being gossiped about, unfairly maligned and lied about while I walked the earth as you do.

And I feel it now. It has never stopped. And yes, it does hurt Me. I am frustrated and sad as I watch it continue. In human terms, you could say I get “weary” of it.

But that is not all. I know what the pain of loss feels like when it happens to you because I am in you. I am a part of you now. You are My Child, but it is oh, so much more than this. My people focus on the fact that I gave My life for them, and this is good.

But they often do not realize that I give My life to them, to live within them, to reside in them.

This is harder for you to understand.

You see yourself and do not understand why I would want to make Myself part of you, but I do,

so I did.

Understand the implications of this. It is not that I am a “watchdog,” watching to see every time you slip up and think “ugly” thoughts. Yes I know your thoughts, “good and bad,” this is true.

But My life in you goes so far beyond that.

Every fear you have, I know not just because of your thoughts about it, but because I can feel your feelings.

Everything that happens to you, I feel, too.

When you are angry, I feel it, as when you are sad or despondent. When you are full of joy and the love overflows from your heart, I feel this, too.

But let’s get back to My question to you:

have I ever let you, personally, down?—

...No, Lord. As I think about it, You have not. When I have come to You again and again for Your direct help, You have given it. When I have asked You to grant me favor with someone I needed to speak to and to protect the outcome, to my absolute amazement, You have done so.

Yes, at times, You have allowed some very hard things in my life to happen, but even in those, You have been faithful to me. It is very humbling because I do not understand why You would be, especially when I can see how I am at times. It is simply in Your nature to be faithful, even when we are faithless...

— Then continue to bring each need to Me, both great and small. Needs for your self, your children, My people. Know that I will love them and I will love you always. Cast your cares, all of them, onto Me, straight into My lap!

-Because I love you

and will take care of you.

That is My “job.” —

For all who have put their lives into the hands of the One who desired to become one of us, He, the Lord promises to care for now and for all eternity. He has promised to come to us and to dwell within us, to live our lives with us and always stay by our side. For those who have not yet understood that God became a child born in a stable that first Christmas night simply in order to bring a people back close to Himself, let me encourage you: this desire to have a people to love includes you, too. He does not willingly exclude anyone from His embrace. But like all true lovers, He desires that the object of His love come of their on free will and so He never forces us. He values us too much.

Shepherds were sought out by the angel on that starry night, for Christmas is really the story of the Good Shepherd. This Shepherd was so good and so full of love that not only did He give His whole life for His sheep, but also He even willingly became one of them just so that He could reach them. He is reaching for you. He desires to draw you close to Himself in the tightest, fullest embrace you will ever know. If you find it in your heart to begin the journey of trusting Him, I can promise you that you will never be disappointed. And then you will discover that indeed, He is always, and deeply faithful.

Merry Christmas! And may your year be full of the wonder of His presence.

Love and many blessings,

Patty, Michael, Heidi, Justin, and Galen Christopher Kashtock

The Jagged Ocean

Prologue:

Jagged edges of the building, black glass and steel, push into the courtyard below. The sun, glinting off their angles, no  longer seems to mock; but neither does it comfort. A woman stands contained within the building’s edges, alone. Her sea-green eyes hold a hint of distant summers. Many were those lazy days when the water lapped at her feet, causing them to sink into the warm sand.

But the summer days are forgotten now. An angry ocean blots them out. It rises higher and higher – only to crash hatefully down.

Crushing, destroying,

then calmly receding,

the water drags all she once held dear down into its depths.

She watches as crystalline images begin to dance on the sun burnt grass of the courtyard below her. Ponies jump and play dodge with barefoot children while puppies frisk between bare legs. Shimmering joyously, her daughter turns a cartwheel among the giant-sized daisies, then looks up. With eyes crackling and hair flying, she waves two handed to her mother standing at the window. Head thrown back, she laughs and spins with all the unbounded exuberance of seven going on eight. Suddenly she stops and leaps sideways to tag another scampering child.

Then, like soap bubbles bursting on the sidewalk, the children splinter off into nothingness.

Slowly the images shift.

Another child dances there – a child of summers long gone. She speeds through the complex steps, never faltering, never once stumbling. Light sparks outward from her sea-green eyes and gives strength to her steps. That fiery joy will die too soon.

But for the moment, loving arms enfold the child’s dreams. Peaceful and calm, the earth and moon and stars are her tender playmates while the two strong arms keep all her fears at bay.

Then suddenly, those arms are yanked away.

A cannibalistic mass devours her mother’s brain.

Puppies and ponies and bare feet on the grass vanish in the cold wind.

To be robbed this way once is tragic.

To be robbed so twice, unthinkable.

Closing her eyes, the mother folds her arms and hugs them tightly over her stomach. Her mouth tightens. She thrashes her head once to each side, then opens her eyes. Turning back towards the child cocooned within the white sheets, she stares. The lifelines intrude into her daughter and emerge out again, and the mother thinks:

It wasn’t so long ago…

The Real Terminator

Introduction

Life is a force that takes no prisoners. A terminator, if allowed full sway.

Rarely can a person grapple with life and come away unscathed. It will leave many of us to deal with heartache that is persistent and pervasive.

Still, it is possible to know joy, even with a broken heart.

Recently my Aunt handed me a black and white composition book that contained some of my mother’s writings. Its contents startled me. The mother I barely knew had nurtured a goal similar to mine.

“ Forward : to all who read this book I wish it to be known that what I say is true. One night during my stay in the hospital, I was awakened and had the thought that I must write a book so that I can help others. I believe strongly that God put this thought in my head, just as I believe that without His love and guidance this book could not be written.”

But her illness would take more out of her than she ever imagined, and her strength slipped quickly away.

She did not live long enough to write her book

– for cancer is a despoiler and a thief.

It stole her away without compassion.

Christmas 1995 - Devastated Hearts Waiting for the Light

Christmas 1995

Dear Family and Friends, 

As another year whirls to its close, I find I have no memory left. (Someone please tell me Alzheimer's does not onset in one's 42d year). Seriously.

One of our neighbors remarked that we have a crazy life. Certainly, I’ve held a chair like a shield as I tried whip to my schedule to eke out some time to write. Then just as I grab my material and rush downstairs to boot up (quite proud of myself for dealing with time for once rather than the other way around).... I find the computer is already in use.

Well, at least the homework is getting worked on; even if at the expense of my computer time. Justin, it turns out, adores high school. This kid who had seemed so isolated a year ago suddenly has an overwhelming (for us, that is) social life due to one very committed youth pastor and a sweetheart of a girlfriend. He loves his classes (minus the still problematic homework. But he ­is trying. And struggling.)

And he has found a niche on the crew team and in the orchestra. 

Galen, our little social jitterbug, has been packing around all year with the delightful group of neighborhood boys and girls of varying ages. Oh, they get in little spats at times, yet adult manner they use to work out their conflicts amazes me. He has turned into quite a little writer. I never would have believed that of this the child one almost would have to beat with a stick just twelve months ago to get him to write more than a word.

Heidi continues to brighten people's lives wherever she goes. An increase in cortica-steroids seems to have helped her schoolwork turn back around. We are seeing a little bit more of her personality back. She has been having what appear to be smaller seizures, increased fatigue, and some other difficulties that we are not quite sure about. Her doctors are trying to find out what is going on and hopefully we will know something soon as a result of last week's MRI and thyroid scan. At least this year has held no wheelchairs or prolonged hospital stays, for which we are grateful.

I dearly love my children. Each one delights us in their own unique way. I thank God for the brightness they add to my life. But not all of this year has been pleasant.

Besides the peculiar ups and downs of our family's life, we have known the heartbreak of walking with a number of friends through some wrenching situations that have left them nearly devastated. And we also, have come close to the edge of our endurance at times. Oh, I realize that to some it appears "unseemly" to mention this sort of thing at Christmas when everything is supposed to be sweetness and light.

But... can you see?

This is the point. The whole point. 

This very "sweetness and light" we celebrate, came down to us on that first Christmas in the midst of hardship and a darkness sometimes so deep – that we could not see.

We who thought we had known our way, became lost in the darkness of sin and sorrow – and we could not find the way out. In a cave of our own making we stumbled, hands out stretched in front of us; afraid we would fall over the precipice lurking just beyond our field of vision.

Then suddenly, into this most absolute of darkness, came the Light. He knew that if He came and we saw Him as He is; His absolute brilliance would completely blind us, and we would shrink back in unmitigated horror.

So instead, He came as an infant, a warm, cuddly baby: defenseless against the elements and animals and tyrants. The One through whom and for whom and by whom the universe was created - became one of us, so that someday we could become like Him, all faults and flaws and imperfections gone; radiating His love and light. 

And while a great deal of our darkness is due to our own sin, much is due to that of others that we might not even know. Sometimes it is due merely to the fact that we are confused by the circumstances of life. We just don't understand why some things have to happen.

And God, Himself, who came to us in the form of a child, asks us to come to Him in the midst of our confusion and frustrations and hurtings and simply be His children. Even now, I believe He would say to each one; each individual who is willing to come to Him for who He is:

– My Child, I love you and I want you for My own; never doubt that.

Come, and like a small dove nestle into My hands and I will protect you.

I know you are hurting, and I, alone, know why.

I know you are confused, My Little One,

and that is what you are: little.

You don't understand - and I see that and do not fault you for it,

for you are as a child; a child in the dark.

When a child is lost in the dark, he feels all alone.

The deeper the darkness, the deeper the sense of isolation.

One does not fault a child for losing his way in the dark - one seeks to find him and bring him home.

And so I will "find" you if you are willing -- for I am not willing that any should be lost in the dark

and nothing is dark to Me.

The darkness is from your end only, Child. It is your inability to see clearly what is before you. To throw off the darkness, simply look to Me in trust. I know this comes hard to you: that is why these present things must happen. There needs to grow a trust in you - a trust that is there and steady,

no matter what...

...no matter what is happening around you or to you; no matter how hard it is or how dark it looks.

Look to Me: I am the light that lights up the darkness. I am the only light you need. All other "lights' are either limited or false. Look to Me and I will shine a light into your darkness.

No one else can light your way, except Me. I am your only light. Do not grieve over human failings. I will light your way, personally. And, yes, you will find this "more precious than gold," more precious than human acclaim, more precious than another's love...

You will have those in measure as I know you can tolerate and need,

but I will be your light

and I will light your way

and I will be the light in you that draws others to Me.

Rest, My Child. Know that I will not ever abandon you as an unloved orphan, but I will claim you for My very own, if only you should desire.

Though the mountains fall into the sea, and the earth come to the end of her seasons, know this: that I will never leave you,

nor will I forsake you,

for I love you with a love that has no boundaries; no endings,

and you are My child,

My precious child. –

We would like to offer hope from our own experience. No matter what the difficulties, no matter how hard the way; we have found that He who was and is and is to come is always faithful.

He who is Lord of the universe could come to us in power and might; but instead chooses to respond in love to the heart that cries out to Him. He is infinitely knowable – and desirous of being known to those who would seek Him. To know and be known by Him, to bask in His presence, is a such a joy and a delight, that all the treasures this world could offer are but a candle to the sun's resplendent light.

I can truly say that while I fervently wish that the people in my life would not have had to suffer as they have; as for the sufferings of my own, I am grateful. The Lord has used them to burn some parts of my baser nature away and I have learned a lot from their lessons. They taught me many things about people and life that I could not have known otherwise.

And although at times it seemed like I would be crushed under the weight of their agony; I found instead that in their own peculiar way, they have led me more deeply into the Lord, Himself. And there I found His arms open wide to take me in and His love to pour down over me. This place of deep communion is of such great value, that any price "paid" to arrive there seems a pitiful nothing.

With Paul, we find we can say, "What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord..." (Philippians 3:8)

Our prayer for each of you this season and in the year to come is this: that you will know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that His arms are open wide, waiting to take you close to Himself, if only you will let Him.

May the grace and peace of the One who Is: the Lord Jesus Christ, rest in you and upon you.

Merry Christmas with love,

Patty, Michael, Heidi, Justin, and Galen Christopher Kashtock

Christmas 1994 - Coal Under Pressure

Christmas '94

Dear Family and Friends,

Most of you have a general idea as to the "nuts and bolts" of our past year. For those who don't, Heidi developed epilepsy as a result of the radia­tion treatments in 1985. She needed some minor eye surgery and was knocked down (acci­dentally) in school and broke her hip necessitating surgery and nearly four months in a wheelchair along with constant physical therapy. Justin's struggles with the ADHD continue to be family strug­gles. Galen simply bounces around, usually attended by a pack of boys.

There were a signifi­cant number of other "items", but I won't get into them now. Justin had his own (tongue-in-cheek) idea of what this letter should contain. He says to write, "Dear Folks: This is our newslet­ter to tell you how our year went. It can be summed up in one word. Havoc. That's all for now. See you next year."

How true. Unending struggle and bone deep exhaustion all but strangled us. But thankfully, we have a Lord Who is too gracious to leave it at that. He lovingly takes the havoc of our lives and uses it to shape those lives into something far more glorious than we would have ever had without it, if we will but allow Him. I think of Isaiah's words spoken from God, "I will give you the treasures of darkness.” It seems to me that many of the substances that we consider the most precious such as dia­monds, gold, and rubies are formed hidden away in the dark of the earth, under great pressure. Then, to be cut and crafted, they must be brought up to the light of day.

So, it is with us.

Each of us at some point in our lives will most likely find our­selves in a situation either of great pressure or deep sorrow. If we feel our­selves to be far away from God, it can be too much to bear. We've seen marriages crumble and lives fall apart on that fourth floor of Children's Hospital where Heidi spent so much time during the worst of her illness. And to say, "Yes, I am a Christian" isn't enough. Religion, per se, can be awfully cold comfort in those frigid surgical corridors when your child's life hangs in the balance yet again. It takes something more.

Far more.

It takes knowing personally, "face to face", a God who deeply cares. It takes feeling His arms of mercy wrapped tightly around you, certain that whatev­er the outcome, He has promised to never leave you or forsake you. We can tell you from our own experience that He stays with us in the midst of the storm and will saturate us with peace. Indeed, He longs to do so.

Yet I think too often as children we were taught (perhaps uninten­tionally) of a distant God; a God who is "up there" as an overseer, a celestial Santa Claus who watches us only to see if we're "naughty or nice" so "you'd better not cry, you'd better not pout"... Because if you do, you won't be worthy of anything good, only fit to receive a ruined stock­ing, black­ened with coal.

It almost seems as if we were taught of a rather insipid God who has no real emotions other than some nebulous, benign, but rather detached sort of "love" that is counter balanced by His "righteous wrath" that coldly waits to judge us.

This is so far from who He really is that it is frightening. In­stead, both Old and New Testaments show a passionate God; a desperately loving God; a God so desperate to win the love of those He created in His own image, that He laid aside His glory to become one of them... a God so full of love that He could no longer bear to see the suffering of His people, even though they had brought it upon themselves. In His agony over them He said, "For a long time I have kept silent, I have been quiet and held Myself back. But now, like a woman in childbirth, I cry out, I gasp and pant.” (Isaiah 42: 14)

These are not the words of some bland and detached God.

And neither does He expect blandness from us with our emo­tions neatly packaged and sterilized. He knows what we are like.

Really.

More than we know, ourselves.

He sees us clearly, to our depths, behind all of the pre­tense -- yet still He desires to love us... should we but come to the point of opening the door to Him.

So when life becomes difficult (as it is wont to do at times) and seems too much to take, remember this: it was Jesus, the Lord Himself, who did not stay far away from us, somewhere in the distant "heavens". Instead, He chose to become one of us in the form of a helpless baby. He did not chose a wealthy and protected palace in which to be born, but rather a stable where He was attended by no one except the animals there and a few rough and bewildered shepherds. It was Jesus who grew up and faced all the same hopes, sorrows, and temptations that we do; yet, unlike us He never sinned. And throughout the whole of scripture, it is Jesus as Lord who says to all those who are willing to listen:

– Come to Me, all of you...

All of you who are weak,

Who are weary and burdened down,

and I will give you rest.

Bring yourselves to Me just as you are with all of your fears and hopes and frustrations.

Do not wait until you feel that you have been able to hide yourself under some cloak

of "goodness", because I already know you. I know how you are.

I know the hurt. I know the pain. I walked the earth just as you do.

Have you forgotten that you are made in My own image?

Many of the things that hurt you are those that pierced My own heart.

I, too, have known rejection. I, too, have known the loneliness of having a heart full of love with no one to receive it. I, too, have known the deep hurt of watching My beloved children suffer and die.

So come - and take My yoke upon you... leave the other ones behind.

Learn from Me. Let Me teach you. You will see that I am gentle with you. My feelings towards you are tender; My heart towards you is humble. Because of this, you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is not that of weariness and chafing.

No. It is one that is made to fit you, and not harm you, for I know how I have made you to be.

That which I give you to carry you will find light and good to bear.

I stand here and wait for you. I long to put My arms around you.

That is why I became one of you. Do not hold back because you are afraid.

Bring your sins and sorrows to Me and cry them into My heart.

Bring your heart to Me.

And then I can touch you and give you my joy and My peace that will have no end.

For I alone, am He. I am the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.

And I love you,

deeply love you

and that means all of you, not just the parts you deem acceptable.

Know that I, alone, am the One who heals.

And I will heal you because of My deep love for you. –

In this light, our Christmas blessing to you echoes with the words of the apostle, Paul: We pray that you would come to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is Christ's love for you. And that you would know for yourselves this glorious love He has for us that goes far beyond our ability to understand. Then you will be filled with the fullness of God and His peace.

With love always,

Patty, Michael, Heidi, Justin, and Galen Christopher.

Christmas 1991 - Not Your Grandma's Chrsitmas letter

December 1991

Dear Family and Friends,

         The last of the leaves are dry and hard.  They hang tenaciously to the old oak trees that tower high over our house.  They clatter in the wind of this cold December night.  The air is sharp, with the promise of snow in it.  As yet, this promise is unfulfilled.

          And like a child eagerly waking with hopes of cancelled school only to find the litter of brown leaves instead of sparkling snow, the hardened ground sighs its disappointment.

          I sit here at my desk in the family room, not quite snug and warm, for like many of you, our family room is in the basement.  Basements have the habit of not completely blocking out near zero temperatures, but this is where my life-saving computer resides, so here I sit.  Actually, I am truly grateful for the protection this basement does afford.  The events of the last two years underscore just how fortunate we are to have our basic need for food and shelter met.

          I did not write last year for a couple of reasons.  One was that I have been attempting to write a book.  The other was, well, I was having a bit of a problem framing the year's events in a way that would be somewhat uplifting. I suppose I could have joined in with Job, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him."  But I thought that somehow that just did not cut it.

         When I told Michael that I was not sure I would write that year Mike chuckled rather wickedly.  "Ah, yes.  I can see it, now!" he said. "Dear family and friends, this year has shone wondrously on the Kashtock family.  Mike got fired from his job after all appeared to be on the upswing and had to take a job with a cut in pay and highly reduced benefits. We continue to struggle financially. Justin has been diagnosed with ADD (attention deficit disorder) and has had to start taking a potent medication just to cope. He will probably fight this all of his life. Pat's book goes nowhere. Heidi remains painfully the same and Galen has gotten lost in the shuffle."

          I figured I'd pass on that one.

          In some ways, this year has been no better.  Yet, I do not want to sound ungrateful.  God has been merciful, and He has watched out for us.

          We had made no financial gains in Mike's four years at the NFPA, and thus had lost a lot of ground due to a growing family and growing expenses.  I remember telling Michael in the fall of '89 when we were starting to really struggle, that while praying I had gotten a really strong feeling that things would be better in about two years.  Six months later, he was fired.

          Things promptly got worse.

          But now it is two years later.  Three days after receiving his notice of termination, Mike had an offer to return to the FDA. He has enjoyed the different challenges there, and due to a promotion and raise, we are at last on an even keel.  Again we have seen that God is there and He is not silent.  Only something seemed to go wrong with my hearing for a while.  After weathering so many storms, one would think there would be a sense of elation.  Instead, I found myself thrust into a "dark night of the soul" that I suspect was somewhat of my own making. I could not seem to find the doorway out, and the sense of ennui that had settled in made me loathe to try.

          Mercifully, the night seems to be lifting.  Just when I hit the point that I felt I could take no more, the darkness began to dissipate. "For lo, the night is over, and the morning has come."

(Rom. 13:12)

          But as Michael's prodding reminds me, there have been many bright spots in our year. Heidi was granted her "wish" by the Make-a-Wish Foundation. They made it possible for us to spend three weeks in Florida visiting my Grandmother and family, and going to Disney World. It was an experience the kids will never forget! For me it was simply wonderful to see my family again.

          School-wise, Heidi has been placed in a different type of class. While it is too soon to tell yet, this class may be just what she needs. The expectations seem to be both stricter in some ways, yet more realistic. We were grateful to see that this new teacher puts an emphasis on thinking skills. Not only do I think these skills should be taught to all children, but given Heidi's trauma induced memory difficulties, will give her another avenue to fall back on.

          Justin suddenly smacked into some serious school difficulties, which prompted some immediate testing. Lo and behold, he may have something of a learning disability! While this may not sound so good off hand, it explains a lot, and gives us something to fight. I have gained new respect for Justin, because he has been coping on his own for so long. And amazingly, the tests show that in spite of all of the difficulties, against all of the odds, Justin's self-esteem has survived intact. As I see it that is truly a testament to God's grace.

          Galen, the "quiet" one, is proving to be a rather interesting little character. His imagination knows no bounds, and is showing a somewhat off- beat sense of humor. He has gotten so into making up these fantastic tales, that in jest, I asked him if he were going to be a writer of stories when he grows up. He actually stood there and seriously considered it as if for the first time and said, "You know, Mommy, maybe. Maybe I will."

        Although for the moment I cannot stand here and shout joyfully, "In Christ we have the victory!"

               --I still know this to be true.

        I cannot shout it,

           But yet I can say to you, -- although perhaps only quietly,

                  that somehow, someway,

        in Christ, we do have the victory.

          We may not be able to see it, to touch it.    The end of the race may seem to always be just there...

              just out there---

          always.  infuriatingly.    just seemingly beyond our grasp.

              But it is there.

         And we shall reach it. The time will come, and we will stand hand in hand with Him.

          The words of T.S. Eliot in The Four Quartets speak to this most glorious of hopes:

                 "And all shall be well and

                  All manner of thing shall be well

                  When the tongues of flame are in-folded

                  Into the crowned knot of fire

                  And the fire and the rose are one."

          As we celebrate the birth of the One who is both Fire and Rose, we wish you joy, and peace and the knowledge of His abiding presence.  And when the dark night arrives, -- for it does come at sometime to us all -- and the hardened leaves clatter in the chill of the high December winds --

          we wish you, and us, a speedy return to the ever-welcoming warmth of His light.

              With all the joy of His love, we wish you a wonderful Christmas!

                        Patty, Michael, Heidi, Justin, and Galen Christopher