Party Like Jesus Did

Oh Lord – of all the things I regret, I regret the vast amounts of time invested in helping them while Heidi was so ill. It seems like such a waste, now.

-- You don’t know that… --

You mean it wasn’t?

-- No. At least not in the way you are thinking.

You spent time, your time, to help someone who truly needed help.

And yes, it helped the church, too.

And you did gain from it. You needed friends at the time who were available.

And – You needed fun!

Little One – I know you and I don’t drive you. You just think I do.

Life is for living, too, not just work.

Hey – I partied. For real .

I enjoyed it so much!

Even in the midst of being about my Father’s business, I partied.

I enjoyed people and I enjoyed life. And that was during a very short three years.

Life is long; it is not three years. I do not expect you to function like a machine. --

Balking at Love and Difficult Children

Lord?

– Pick up your pen –

but I don't want to write.

– I know. –

okay. do You have anything to say to me? I feel so empty of words. 

– Yes. But you can't hear it. –

then open my ears, please. "Dig them out.” (funny - that's the same way one says "pierce my ears" in Hebrew, as in the kind of ear piercing a "lord" did to his slave in the public square as a sing that the slave desired to remain with his "lord" for always, willingly.)

– Oh My Child

My Little One

My Love. – 

– – – –

– Write it. You're "balking." – 

but it sounds so standard. Like I'm making it up.

– Perhaps. But you need the healing. –

Lord, help?

– I love you. –

(– Write it! – )

but?

– ! – 

okay.

– Lots. –

as in cast "lots"?

– No. A lot, silly. –

a silly filly. –

– Pat. Do you know you are being difficult? – 

You're laughing! But, Lord? I really don't feel like there is anything there.

– So, try. – 

– As the leaves turn brown and fall in their season,

so love grows.

Green bud, full leaf, lush color, brown. 

The lush color precedes their death.

Then they fall to the ground and there is apparent barrenness.

Stark do the trees stand against the sky.

This tells you something.

Patterns. -

Patterns in nature.

- I talk to you through the patterns. –

A hawk comes and lands on the tree.

Somehow I have always felt that hawks represent Your special promise to me.

– Watch –

As I watch, I realize that I would have not seen him if the trees had been leaf-full. The "apparent" barrenness of the woods allows other things to be seen.

– Keep watching. –

As I do, my eyes start blurring and I cannot get them real clear no matter how much I blink.

– This is as the hawk sees –

Everything blurs together, except the hawk that I focus on so intently. This is odd because the Hawk is essentially the same color as the surrounding woods. Yet the light hits him differently. And every little movement he makes shows up.

A squirrel scampers by.

oh - I would hate it, to see him catch the squirrel! They are so funny and I feel like they, too, have a special meaning between You and I.

– I know. That's why I won't let it happen. –

He sits there a long time.

– You've long wanted to know what kind of hawk it is that you've been seeing, haven't you?

Watch. –

He's heavy bodied and reddish. As he moves he flies heavily. His body is awfully rounded for a hawk. Wait a minute. Is "he" a "she"?

You smile.

And there are black and white bands on the tail. The tail seems maybe short. The hawk flies out of sight.

I tried staring at a single point again to see what would happen. At first, nothing. Then everything else begins to blur out. Once that happens, it is difficult to regain focus.

Wait! That tells me more than I thought!

At first I thought that You meant that when we focus on You, everything else fades away. But the converse is true – when I focus intently on one thing, the whole forest becomes a blur. If I focus intently on one thing: a problem, a person, pain – I lose sight of You! You perhaps are more akin to the woods than to the hawk. Hawks come and go, but the forest is always there. It is that which nurtures the Hawk, the squirrel, my heart. It is home to that which is dear to me, but it, itself, is dearer to me than all that it contains.

I know there is more to this. Please, tell me later? Thank You for Your gentle way of talking to me today. I feel too stale to hear "longer" words.

– There is no need –

for the longer word, or to feel stale?

– Both. –

ah. You're not saying that the staleness isn't there - You are saying that it is unnecessary. Please help me out of it then?

– I am –

thank You.

– Last word syndrome? –

but I don't want to be impolite...

I'm unsure if I should try to listen more, or if we're done for now?

– Go in peace, Little One. –

2/16

Part of the "more" to the above: when I focused on the hawk and couldn't really see the woods any more – the woods did not move away from me! It stayed where it was, and it stayed forest. It did not change; it did not withdraw. And - neither did I! I was as close to the woods as I ever was.

When I intensely focus on something (situation or person or problem) I cannot "see" You well. It is as if You are far away, withdrawn in displeasure. But I don't think so. Or we could say, "I moved". But I guess I didn't. It’s a matter of focus and how we are constructed. Intense focus blurs out everything else. It doesn't make it go away.

Like pain. That begs for focus. No wonder it is hard to sense Your comfort in the midst of the pain. We focus on it. How could we not - it hurts. And we're sort of made that way because pain is a warning bell for action.

One really funny thing. I've always wanted to really look at the hawk. I got my chance today, but he/she didn't do much. Really, when a hawk isn't moving, it’s not all that interesting.

Cross Markings

Betsey made five cross markings on my forehead and asked if I knew what they meant. I thought perhaps something like I wasn't trying hard enough, or carrying my "cross" very well. She said no, each mark stood for a member of my family, and symbolically for all those I care about. Then she said, "This is what the Lord would say to you..." I thought it would be a rebuke.

-- You carry everybody

but I carry you. 

It is not wrong that you carry everybody,

for I, with My own hand and very deliberately

have set each one on your heart.

But I have said to you that My yoke is easy and My burden is light.

Each mark of the cross upon you

is a sign of where the weight of each life is to hang,

and that is on Me.

I desire to show you how to live reclined on Me,

the cross no longer an instrument of torture,

but the everlasting arms beneath you.

Can you just fall back on Me?

It is only a little while--

then no more gravity.

But for now, stay with Me.–

Teeth Clenching Pride and Kings

Lord, it is depressing to read in Kings and Chronicles. Kings who started out well, and who You took care of magnificently, became hardened against You. Either they became full of self-pride or they abandoned You for other“gods”even the “gods” of their enemies that You had enabled themto defeat!

This terrifies me. Please do not let me fall from the path that You have started me on. I can see all too easily how it could happen.

Lord – I’m scared.

— Don’t be…—

but why?

— Because I will carry you. —

but what about those kings?

— Pride was their downfall. —

but I have pride, too.

— Not the same thing —

but Lord, I don’t understand it.

— You don’t need to. —

but?

— Softness. I soften your heart towards Me. —

but what about them?

— Determined hardness. —

I see teeth clenching.

— Teeth clenching pride. —

I’m confused.

— I know you are,

but you can trust Me.

I won’t leave you to your own devices.

I know you are helpless

It is no surprise to Me,

only to you.

I have been but letting you feel it lately. It is

miserable and frightening for you. I know that.

To “see” yourself is a scary thing. It leaves you

feeling as though you are “hanging out there”

You aren’t –

but you would be if left to your own.

That is simply what you need to know

- that you aren’t some “spiritual giant”

nor do you have to be,

nor will you ever be.

Do you think I love you any the less for that?

You do, don’t you?

But I don’t. —

Be a Child

The most precious place in all existence to be when it’s “Just the 2 of us” – You and each of us. I know that it is for me.

But. ooohhhh. That can be a rocky road!

— Hmmmm . . . —

You sound content.

— I am —

always?

— No. Not always, silly! You know that! —

but that is what some writers say, that “God is always content because He’s infinitely in control.”

— Humpf! —

You “snort!"

— Yes I do! Forget "the writers"!

Pat! You know better than that .—

but sometimes I forget, sort of.

— You fear, you mean,

that somehow I am “detached,” above it all.

I am not “above it all”

I’m in it all, right in the thick of things, in the middle,

down in the “nitty-gritty.”

So down in the nitty gritty that I the grit between My “teeth”! —

Oh, dear! You smile!

— Yes. And you worry too much. —

and I can feel myself crawl into Your lap and curl up there, content like a child.

— Yes, Child. My child. This is where I want you for now.

There will be more: but for now, rest in Me. Let Me hold you.

And you will be content, and I will be content

for now, for a while.

And then you will grow up in Me and that will be different, powerful.

Yes, you will like it,

but for now, just for now

be a child. –

Everlasting Love

-- Oh, My Child, I love you.

          I have loved you with an everlasting love.

How can you doubt?

          I have been with you,and I have run before you.

          I am your strength and I am your shield.

You are Mine, My own,

and I have owned you

and will not let you go.

I have owned you forever and you are Mine.

Do not doubt. Do not fear.

I am here with you. --