When the Journey Began

The first stages of any new venture can be fraught with misunderstanding.

And sometimes those uncertainties can reappear although apparently settled before.

I was reading about "journaling prayer" and came across the statement: "write your love letter to Jesus and listen to His love letter to you."

But Lord, I don't feel very lovable.

– I know... –

I'm not sure that is You.

Funny. I've been treating my family with extra gentleness; yet I feel unlovable. It seems I aim those feelings more towards You than elsewhere. I just don't have any idea of how I'm supposed to be around You. Everything feels so scrambled up, yet I find I sing praises to You under my breath as I go about, unknowingly.

– Do you think perhaps that pleases Me? –

Yes, now that You mention it. I think it pleases You very much when adoration for You wells up from within us even when we feel reject-able. I guess it shows some kind of trust: perhaps the one that knows You are steadfast, no matter what... and knows that You will get us out of whatever predicament we (or our past) lands us into.

Then I start to cry. I hear a sort of unhappy but soothing:

– What...!? –

Oh. I don't know... I feel all wrong. Like I'm doing it all wrong.

– There is no "all wrong". Each way is individual. –

Always people's perspective that seeking You intently is selfish and self-serving sets me into a tizzy of fear. Am I really so self serving? Yesterday You gently showed me how You used me for others in a way that was woven into my day. And as I sit here, I think that even my "housework" per se, is really a serving of my family: a way of supporting each one and helping them achieve their goals.

And I realize: the time I sit before You is proportionally not so huge. It is a good bit of time, but not really when seen against the backdrop of life's demands. I hope this is not too selfish of me, but I crave it so.

– Why? Why do you want this? –

Because if I do not come apart to seek You, then I fall apart. As far as people go: there is nothing in me that can serve You by serving them unless You pour it into me. I need You!

Granted: I want You, too – - but I cannot function as Your servant apart from You; and to be a part of You I have to come apart with You for awhile everyday!

Oh. but that sounds so work oriented, when in truth I come because You are simply glorious to be near.

Poor Zucchini: All Tied Up and Nowhere to Grow

I like zucchini. Really.

--To eat it, that is. So I grow it.

But I don’t like growing it.

Zucchini is a stubborn plant. It grows where it wants and how it wants with no regard for anything in its path.

And it has prickles. Sharp prickles. If it had a mind it would own the garden plot, thank you and don’t step on my stems on your way out.

And the plant makes it difficult to avoid stepping on those stems because it tends to grow into every walk space, putting down roots each time the vine makes contact with the soil. This would be a great survival tactic for the zucchini if it weren’t for the dreaded Squash Vine Borer that resides in Virginia. The places the vine contacts the ground serves to help the S.V.B. gain a tooth hold. Once in, it continues to bore up the stem, eventually destroying the proud Queen of the garden. The dark green leaves grow a waxy gray cast. Then they wilt. And the vine rots.

I have tried poisoning the S.V.Bs, and poisoned myself along with them.

They say one can control the S.V.B.s by gently slitting the vine and pulling the little grubby things out. Aside from distaste for slimy grubs, did I mention those prickles? They hurt. A lot. It seemed hopeless.

But one way to take control of zucchinis is to make them grow vertically up a pole rather then run along the ground. This way, the garden plants remain safe from a zucchini coupe. It also provides some protection for the vines from the SVB because they contact the ground in one place rather than many.

The zucchinis hate it. I tie them up to the pole with pretty green ties. As soon as I turn away, the plant begins to stage its rebellion. Instead of growing upright, it turns back down over the tie right towards the ground so that it can take over.

And die in the process.

I can keep them tied to the pole with little trauma when they are young and tender and if I stay on them constantly.

But the minute my mind is elsewhere, the place where the vine grows back down over the tie becomes a hardened kink. I cannot pull it upright. The best I can do is to tie it back to the pole in a bunch while the prickles stab my hands.

Spiteful plant.

Painstakingly I trained the ungrateful thing. But at my first lapse, its natural tendency to run along the ground overcame my training.

And then the Squash Vine Borers moved in.

The plant died.

As I looked at the now dead plant, I realized it isn't just zucchinis that have a rebellion problem. 

How frequently I resist the Lord’s effort to train me. He pulls me upright into the healthiest place for me, but the minute His restraining hand lets go, I turn back down to where my nature wants to roam.

Gently, He pulls me back up again. I get more sun to nourish me that way, and I don’t overtake the space that others need. He protects me from the predators that would bore through my life. 

And although at times it feels like my freedom has been restricted, it really hasn’t. I can grow ten feet along the ground or rise ten feet up into the air. My restrictions lay within my own makeup, not in the Hand that restrains me.

And that garden pole I sometimes fight? It isn’t an inanimate metal stake after all. It is the Vine, Himself, the one who gives me life.

The God Who Weeps

"`Jesus wept.' These words describe a man who, when grief came, was able to weep, for He wanted and

needed to express the feelings within him... I suggest we put a comma . . . so it now reads: ‘Grieve, not as those who have no hope..." (The Answer, page 590)

God weeps?

Yes, God weeps, Child.                                                                    

      For you,

      For the world

God weeps.

      But the day will come when there will be an end to that weeping, both yours and Mine.

That day will come and we will rejoice, you and I together.

     We will be full,

     My Bride and I will be full

              And there will be no more weeping

              No more sorrow.

       The Son will shine and the Dove will fly,

Fly away to Me to make Her nest in the rocks to find shelter in the caverns.

     For I am the Rock that shelters you

     And the caverns are in My heart, your new home.

                      Rest, now.

                      Rest in Me.

                     Fly. Fly with Me

                     Play, play with Me, My little serious one.

             All strivings and angles.

I would soften you.

How?

-- Draw close and let Me do it.

You don't have to figure it out.

The people you carry in your heart you can carry, if you carry them to Me

. Me alone. --

So, softness has to do with trusting You to work and not trying to force the issue?

-- Yes. It does. -

You told me earlier to listen to You.

-- Yes. The "listening" softens you.

It allows Me in, in a particular way. --

Squirrels and ADHA Living

Yikes! My memory is so bad!

-- Turning on too much -

oh. not a restful focused mind.

         -- No. Not!                    

  Flitter, flitter.

           Like that squirrel. -

I see a large squirrel bound from branch to branch, barely in one place for a second.

Wait. There is a smaller squirrel following him. She's much slower, more hesitant. Oh dear. She stops to eat (very funny!) Now she's cleaning her fur. Oh, fuss. She gets totally distracted and turns the other way.

Some time later, I do see the two of them together...

You said before that You do not force us to do Your will because:

-- That would be rape. --

But sometimes I think it would be so much easier if You just did!

-- I don't treat My creatures like that! --

Several days and many distractions I sit again at the picnic table in the woods behind our house:

Groan. So often when I get into a deep conversation with You, I feel like I have to get my pen and I don't want to! I just want to sink into the moment.

-- That time will come, Little One,

In "eternity"

Sooner than you think.

But for now, let's do it this way. -

That last sentence sure had a "period" to it!

Hmmm... there goes my squirrel again.

That doggone Pruning. Again. And What’s With the Darkness, Already?

2/17/97

The little angel Christmas pillow that we've had for years... I noticed for the first time she has green eyes and blonde hair and she looks up at one, with I don't know, sort of a pleading to be loved.

– How could I resist such a little green eyed girl?

How could I resist such a look,

such desire? –

even messed up?

– Even so... –

There is a little tear in her, which makes me feel sad that I haven't taken better care of her, but I guess I couldn't have - not if she was to fulfill her purpose as a child's comfort pillow.

You're saying something about You and me.

You have been on me powerfully these last two days and sometimes I have been barely here.

Please don't leave me?

– What is it she has in her hands? –   

A poinsettia. What is the legend of the poinsettia? What is it she brings to You?

– Herself. –

Okay... I think I remember something about part of the flower having crosses in it. The poinsettia is red, like the color of blood. The appearance of the flowers and the bright red and green foliage does not appear without a prolonged period of darkness preceded by a severe pruning.

There's something here I'm not quite getting. Help?

2/21 – Three days later.

The last three days have been horrible for me. Self hate has boiled like a cauldron.

Oh, Lord, I tried, but I so quickly feel betrayed by You. I wish I would get over that. I mean, it is stupid to think that way, and it isn't a very nice way for me to feel towards You.

– But you fought it, didn't you? –

Yes. I tried.

– That's all I ask. –

As I sit here and type about the angel, the obvious finally hits me. If she is bringing herself to You to give, and "herself" is a poinsettia – the fact is that she cannot "flower" into the beauty that was created into her without the pruning and the darkness. A poinsettia has to be cut back nearly to its roots, then shoved into absolute darkness so that is can bloom again – have the green bracts turn red.

Oh how I hate being pruned! And darkness, even like that of the last very few days is something I shrink from. You said that those vines that remain attached to You will bear fruit and that the Father will prune them so that they will be even more fruitful.

But, thank God, it doesn't last forever. Pruning and darkness are but for a season. If the poinsettia is not brought out into full sunlight at just the right time, it will die, and its blooms are lost forever.

  You are not in the business of losing Your people. Like a tender gardener, You bring us out into the glorious light once again, and we are enabled to grow into full bloom. At some level, this process must be ongoing. Poinsettias must be pruned yearly.

But – and here is another part of the glory of Your ways – by the time to prune has come, the plant has already grown into a bigger plant then it was before. And when it is brought out of its place of resting, it bursts forth into a glory that far exceeds what it had previously known.

That is Your promise to us. Not only will You refuse to throw us on the garbage heap just because we screech so loud at You at pruning time, You will prevent us from growing "smaller" with each pruning. We don't need to fear being reinstated to some “lesser place.” And beyond that, each time You bring us through, we will be more beautiful than before.

Robin On Guard

– My Child, My little Child

I do love you: you are Mine!

Don't parents love the children that are their own?

And you are Mine!

You tend to doubt that. You think it comes and goes, depending on yourself- you depend too much on yourself. –

I know I'm supposed to "lean" on You, but oh Lord, in practical terms I don't know how. Please show me how?

– You think that you have to be dependable, for yourself, for everyone else –

– the whole world on your shoulders.

Poor shoulders, Little One. Too much weight. Too little strength.

I love you too much to do that to you.

See the robin in the leaves? –

But he's so alert, on guard.

– And he doesn't get anywhere, does he? –

no. But he has to eat. If he wasn't on guard he'd probably be eaten.

– Trust, Child. You need to learn to trust. Are you afraid of being eaten? –

Yes. I guess so.

– By whom? –

Satan.

– But even he is under My control. –

Lord? I have trouble with that. Scripture seems to say to be on guard for the enemy seeks to devour and destroy.

– Read it again, in context.–

Okay. Here it is in James 4: "Submit yourself to God. Resist the devil and he will flee... Come near to God and He will come near to you. Wash your hands and purify your heart. Humble yourself before God and He will lift you up."

– Where is the emphases? –

on You, Lord. On looking to You and then You lift us up.

– Keep going. –

I Peter 5:6 "Humble yourself under God's mighty hand so that He may" (uh, Lord? that sounds qualified?) "lift you up in due time. Cast all of your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. Be self controlled and alert..."

(uh, Lord?)

– Keep reading. –

"Your enemy, the devil like a roaring lion prowls about wanting and waiting to devour you. Resist him. Stand firm."

– (See? That is not an on edge - watchful - anxious alertness. It is standing in response to a direct attack. It is not watching and waiting for the attack.) –

"...because you know that all fellow believers are undergoing the same kinds of suffering. And the God of all grace who called you...

– (You did not call yourself to Me. I called you!) –

"...to His eternal glory in Christ."

– Not to a limited thing, but forever.

Not to blight and uselessness,but to glory.

Glorious. I have told you that you are Glorious to Me,

but you doubt it and that stabs My heart.

Yes, I understand why it is so,but you need to look to Me.

I will write your faith walkand I will bring it to completion. –

"His eternal glory in Christ."

– Your "glory" is in Christ –it is in Me... that means it is in Me.

You are in Meand I cannot separate you from Myself

And neither do I want to, oh "faith"-less one.

You are in Me, part of Me, eternally – forever.

I will not cut you off from Myself.

And, yes, I know you don't like those "sappy love letters" that you read sometimes in other's writings. To each is given his own. That is why I don't speak to you like that. You wouldn't like it, and it does not sound true to you. –

"After you have suffered a little while, He will Himself restore you and make you strong."

– Who restores you, Child? –

You do, Lord.

– Who makes you strong? –

You do.

– Do you make you strong? –

no.

– Can you? –

no.

– So relax. Please. You worry too much. –

but how do I get these things done? How do I get my physical life in order?

– Do you want to? –

oh, please! It gets to me! But I don't want it to take away from You. I need You. And I need to know what to do for (the mom). Soon! Help!

– How do you feel right now? –

anxious. tense.

– Do you think that pleases Me? –

no.

– Child. Let it go. Let it go into My hands. If you never did another thing for (her), I still have the outcome in My control. No, it may not be what you want, but it will be right. I know you want to help, and you will. But you must trust Me. It is I who give the power to anything you do. It is not your brilliant reasoning. –

ouch.

– No, Child. That was not meant to be belittling. I have gifted you with a fine mind and with compassionand I will use those gifts

but they must be directed and empowered by Me. It is not you driving them.

I am not a slave driver.

When it needs be that you must over extend yourself,then I will direct you.

Stop driving yourself.

Shepherds do not drive lambs over craggy rocks! They lead them -- tenderly.

And I will lead you,tenderly, Child. Please rest. Come into My arms. Do not fear.

I am here with you and I control the situation-- it is in My hands.

Yes, watch and pray,

but rest...in My arms

...and watch the deliverance I have planned for you. –

Clothed.......In a Bathrobe?

 

-- Sing awhile, play awhile

move in parts

yet flood the whole with My presence.

Speak to Me all the time

and I will guide your goings and guard your comings.

You live and move encased in Me

You wear Me like a crown and

do not see that I am drawn around you

with velvet thread --a robe to keep you warm.

A cozy robe, informal, a robe for rest and comfort

and putting up your slippered feet to drink your cup of tea.

I am the tea that warms you and the chair that supports you.

I am the stool that rests your feet.

Yes, at times I am your battle dress, when war is close at hand.

And at times I am your ballroom gown as we celebrate through the night.

At other times I am your business attire and I clothe you fit to work.

But today I am your fluffy robe

and I draw you aside

to rest in My heart

and know that I love you. –

“You are all children of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” Galatians 3:26-28 (NIV)

“ I delight greatly in the LORD;
my soul rejoices in my God.
For He has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.” Isaiah 61:10

Weapons of Righteousness vs. Weapons of Hate

I know why it is so hard for me to lay down my "weapons of hate" as You have told me to do.

It hurts too much!

It seems that if I didn't hold my anger up like a shield, then I would have to grieve.

In all of this, I must first and foremost remember that I am Your servant, and act as such. I am not my own person any longer, but I am Yours.

hmmm: Something just occurred to me. I get angry when something I cherish is out and out attacked: people (especially those who cannot defend themselves), this small church body, the larger Body of Christ, You, (my own reputation, alas! Does one ever get to the place that it no longer matters?)

– Heaven –

oh.

And God help anyone who dares to attack my children!

I guess that tells us something about You.

1Cor. 6: 4-7 has the phrase, "Weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left."

Hey! That's what is to replace "weapons of hate"!!! But how easy it is for us to confuse the two! And both hands must be occupied, leaving no room to pick up the wrong thing. How can I know the difference?

– Read the rest of it. –

"Rather, as servants of God..."

(okay, You've spoken to me of being a servant)

"we commend ourselves in every way"

(this is how we can know the difference between true and false - do we commend ourselves as follows, or otherwise?)

"in great endurance, in troubles, hardships and distress; in beatings, imprisonments and riots;)"

(hmmm, just because these things follow us it doesn't mean we're "wrong" or "yucky" or that we're not living "victoriously" somehow, or that our "sin" has left open a door for Satan's attacks. This all just seems part and parcel of the Christian's life.)

"in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger;"

(some act as if we are sinning or dysfunctional if these ever happen!)

"in purity, understanding, kindness and patience"

(interesting that PURITY is followed by this particular triplet! When we think we are oh so pure, we so often follow it with condemnation, irritability and cruelty! Ouch!)

"in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love"

(an interesting duet! If we are truly in the Spirit, we truly, sincerely love!)

"in truthful speech and in the power of God"

(no truth, no power! Amen!)

"with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left."

(I still can't quite piece it together. help?)

okay - columns. If I list "weapons of righteousness" on one side, it stands to reason their opposite may fill out what are "weapons of hate".

                          

WEAPONS OF RIGHTEOUSNESS	WEAPONS OF HATE
1. Servant mentality, servant of God servants do as they're told, do not act on their own discretion. ( vs 4)	1. Ruler mentality, ie: "We have the right and the duty to control other people’s behavior. We decide what it’s the “right thing” for them to do in any given situation and then we try to make them do it.
2. Willingness to endure great hardship, and to endure it "greatly.” (vs 4-5)	2. Self protective. Looking after our "rights" and our reputations
3. Acceptance that things may get uncomfortable for me and may necessitate hard work, sleepless nights, and hunger. (vs 5-6)	3. Insistence that our own comfort, be it physical or emotional, is of the primary importance. And fighting or destroying anyone who gets in the way
4. Purity, which is comprised of, or includes: a. Understanding b. Patience c. Kindness (vs 6)	4. Impurity, which here looks like a. Condemnation b. Irritability, self protection c. Cruelty
5. In the Holy Spirit (vs 6)	5. In the flesh (or worse)
6.In sincere love (vs 6) Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy It is not rude, it is not self seeking Love is not easily angered Love does not keep a scorecard of all the wrongs done either to it, or in the world. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. Love always protects, always trusts always hopes, always perseveres Love never fails. (1Corinthians 13)	6. With hate, dissension or with insincere "love" Hate is impatient and cruel. It envies and is rude and seeks the best for itself. Hate runs around angry and it always keeps a good scorecard of any wrong ever committed. It seems to take delight when others are over taken by evil, either through their own temptations, or other's disdain. Hate seeks to bring about shame and disdain onto the heads of the object of hatred. It generally won't trust. Because of all of this, hate becomes despairing and loses all hope. Eventually it loses the strength to persevere. At that point, it fails even itself. The worst thing that hate does is to the one who has it. It has the power to destroy us, even when we think that we have just cause to hate, as I all too well know!
7. In truthful speech (vs7)	7. Deceitful speech: slanting the truth to suit our cause (leaving out some parts, emphasizing others), cover- ups, flattery, half truths, "projecting" onto others and not looking at or admitting the real reasons behind our actions; self justification. The scary thing here is that we can even begin to deceive ourselves
8. In the power of God (vs 7)	8. In our own power or the power of darkness, be it sin or Satan.

Thank You, Lord for clarifying this for me.

Help me always to remember that Your ways are not our ways - that's for sure! Who would ever in their right mind think of things like compassion, understanding and such as weapons! But You do tend to do the improbable!

So please, whenever I fall into any of the weapons of hate that You have told me I must lay down, check me quick! And give me the grace to do Your will instead of mine, for mine is inevitably flawed. Help me never to use weapons of hate – no matter how great the injustice, no matter how defenseless the person who is being hurt is, no matter how many lies are being told or lives being harmed. Just because evil is being perpetrated, is no reason for me to act in such a manner.

Teach me instead to walk in Your ways and fight with Your weapons alone. For we are not to give up the fight and we are not to cave into evil. You have told us to advocate for the widow and the orphan, to seek justice for the downtrodden. Only we must do it in Your way and in Your power. Never our own.

LOVE                        HATE

"bears all things”            "I'm not about to put up w/ that! Not for oneminute!"

Power and Anger and Hate

The song, "Miracles" about a man's little daughter with a brain tumor has the line, "Daddy make it go away.” That has to be the most heart wrenching line I have ever heard.

– Do you think I could feel any less? –

no. I guess not. Its just that the line seems/sounds so hopeless. I'm confused. I don't understand. Its poignancy lay in the father's powerlessness, while You are powerful..

– There are things you don't understand. –

I know... I also get confused as to how Your compassion and anger blend, fit together and somehow do not negate each other...

– Think: yourself. How is it for you? –

yes, I see, a little. Both anger and compassion have theirs roots in passion – a passionate and driven love and a passionate yearning for truth to be seen and for righteousness to prevail. Part of it is passion for righteousness.

What was it You said? "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they will be filled. . . . Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.” (Matt 5)

So – it's almost there, almost on the edge of my consciousness. I almost get it.

But when I get really, really angry, I feel destructive.

– What if it is someone you love? –

no. not really.

– When it is someone you are very close to? –

I needed to see that, didn't I?

1) If I do feel hateful, it is temporary and probably due to a) sin (mine) not under control, b) hormones, c) low blood sugar, d) major stress overload, e) some sort of desperate fear, etc.

2) I needed to be able to separate Your anger from Your hate.

That's what You are telling me, isn't it? That on some level I am confusing anger with hate, especially when it comes to You.

You do get angry with us.

We get angry at our children, too. But that is not the same as hate.

We get angry at each other, and may even say so. But as long as we are filled with Your love and desire to walk in Your Spirit, the anger will only be a temporary thing.

Scripture says that Your anger lasts but for a moment, but Your love endures forever. Thank You.

Be it so, Lord. I do not want to do/say the things or harbor the thoughts that anger You -- even that temporary breech in relationship gives me a sick feeling.

(Col. 3)"Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature... Now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these:

anger / rage / malice / slander / from your lips... /

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, cloth yourselves with:

compassion / kindness / gentleness / and patience.

Bear with one another and forgive whatever grievances you have against one another.

Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace."

1Thess. 5:8 "But since we belong to the day, let us be self controlled, putting on faith and love as a breastplate and the hope of salvation as a helmet. For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath... Therefore, encourage one another and build each other up."

Habb. 3:2 - a prayer: "... in wrath, remember mercy, O Lord."

(This is a good thing for us to remember to do, also!)

Habb 2:12 "Woe to him who builds a city with bloodshed... The Lord Almighty determined that the people's labor is only fuel for the fire"

Hmmm... City can = building ourselves a place of honor and esteem from others, a place of power from which to operate, and a place for us to "dwell".

Bloodshed in this era, can = murdering the reputations of others.

"Fuel for the fire" = when we do this thing, it will turn around at some point and burn us!

verse 16 - "Now it is your turn! Drink and be exposed!... Disgrace will cover your glory."

It sounds so awful, but taken in context, this means that the Lord merely turns back onto us what we've done to others.

Party Like Jesus Did

Oh Lord – of all the things I regret, I regret the vast amounts of time invested in helping them while Heidi was so ill. It seems like such a waste, now.

-- You don’t know that… --

You mean it wasn’t?

-- No. At least not in the way you are thinking.

You spent time, your time, to help someone who truly needed help.

And yes, it helped the church, too.

And you did gain from it. You needed friends at the time who were available.

And – You needed fun!

Little One – I know you and I don’t drive you. You just think I do.

Life is for living, too, not just work.

Hey – I partied. For real .

I enjoyed it so much!

Even in the midst of being about my Father’s business, I partied.

I enjoyed people and I enjoyed life. And that was during a very short three years.

Life is long; it is not three years. I do not expect you to function like a machine. --